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As I near the end of my chemotherapy treatment, I find myself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions. While I’m undeniably excited to close this chapter of my breast cancer journey, I can’t shake the fear of what lies ahead. This is my second battle with breast cancer, and I know all too well the complexities that come with it.
Part of me longs to celebrate by clinking champagne glasses and ringing the victory bell at the treatment center, while another part understands that the aftermath of cancer is not something easily shaken off. Just because I transition from being a fighter to a survivor doesn’t mean the trauma I endured disappears. Anyone who has faced a significant ordeal knows that returning to “normal” is not an option after such experiences.
The Reality of Trauma
The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event.” They outline reactions that can follow, such as shock, denial, and a range of unpredictable emotions. For some, the aftermath can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which involves lingering symptoms that can disrupt daily life. The harsh reality is that trauma becomes an inseparable part of your narrative.
People often expect that being cancer-free means I should be dancing through life, cherishing every moment. While I am grateful for this second chance—well, technically, my third—I know cancer doesn’t simply vanish once treatment ends. It leaves a lasting mark, a reminder of the beast it is.
The Burden of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity can add yet another layer of trauma. I’ve heard phrases like, “God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers,” implying that I was chosen for this struggle because I could handle it. That perspective is absurd. If you’ve experienced trauma, you’ve likely encountered similar well-meaning yet dismissive comments that only complicate the healing process.
I’ve been advised to maintain strength and positivity throughout my journey. However, it’s not always a simple choice. Yes, we can often control our outlook, but after being knocked down repeatedly, it’s incredibly challenging to rise with a genuine smile. Instead, recovery is more about standing up slowly and preparing for whatever might come next.
Moving Forward
I have a solid plan moving forward. I intend to continue my therapy and explore EMDR to help process the medical trauma I’ve experienced. After undergoing surgeries and facing daunting recurrence odds, I know the importance of confronting my reality head-on.
Rather than striving to return to normalcy, I aim to forge a new normal. I seek peace and serenity, yet I understand that this will require effort. Transitioning from a state of constant vigilance to tranquility isn’t instantaneous; it’s a journey with many steps. I won’t simply wake up one day ready to embrace life with abandon after being conditioned to remain on alert for so long.
The Journey Ahead
Life after chemotherapy will likely be a blend of hope and anxiety. I look forward to regaining my hair and seeing some side effects fade, but I must also prepare for radiation and ongoing immunotherapy, which means more medical appointments and treatments. Throughout this, I’ll continue to navigate the emotional ups and downs that have become my new normal.
Finding Hope
If you’re grappling with trauma or suspect you may have PTSD, there is hope. The National Institute of Mental Health advises discussing options with your doctor, including engaging in physical activities, breaking down tasks to prevent overwhelm, spending time with supportive people, and, of course, pursuing therapy.
Healing isn’t easy, but it’s infinitely better than remaining trapped in the past. No matter how often I try to escape the stress of what I’ve endured, it resurfaces. The way forward lies in embracing the challenges, honoring my progress, and hopefully gaining insights that lead to more peace.
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Summary
After battling cancer twice, I share my journey of navigating the complex emotions that come with surviving trauma. The expectation of returning to “normal” is unrealistic; instead, I’m working towards creating a new normal while addressing the lasting impact of my experiences. Healing is a challenging but essential process.