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If you consult evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, you’ll find that friendships can be quantified. Dunbar, who authored Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships (set for release in the U.S. in January), introduced the concept of “Dunbar’s Number.” This concept essentially defines the number of relationships a person can maintain, with Dunbar estimating that the average number is 150.
However, “Dunbar’s Number” is more nuanced than just a single figure. Dunbar proposes that relationships exist in layers, akin to a dartboard. At the center, you find your most intimate connections—likely, your romantic partner. The next ring, containing about five individuals (including that closest person), consists of those who would drop everything to support you during tough times. As you move outward in rings, the intimacy decreases and the number of individuals increases. The outermost ring, which when combined with the inner layers totals 150, includes your “weddings and funerals group”—those you would expect to attend significant life events.
It makes perfect sense that our innermost two circles represent only a tiny fraction—about 0.033%—of that 150. Maintaining deep friendships requires both time and commitment, which can fluctuate throughout our lives. When time is scarce, those we hold dear may drift away, possibly landing in the broader circle of acquaintances.
Naturally, relationships evolve; we gain and lose friends over time. The new colleague who shares your passion for a specific show may take precedence over the friend who has a vastly different taste in entertainment. Similarly, differing political views can push some friends further away in your concentric circles.
Can we keep everyone we value? According to Dunbar, the inner circle can accommodate only a limited number of people. It’s like a tiny clown car—there’s only so much space, and if you try to squeeze in more, someone has to go.
Dunbar’s Number suggests that while we can have many relationships, we can only cultivate a limited number of truly meaningful connections, no matter how much we might wish otherwise. This perspective is intriguing, especially when we realize that everyone has their own version of “Dunbar’s Number,” influencing how they configure their relationships.
For instance, I remember being in fourth grade when I threw up on my desk. The next day, my friend Jenna uninvited me from her slumber party, claiming she could only have three friends over. In that instant, I was ousted from her inner circle. Later in high school, I experienced a similar blow when my best friend, Lisa, ghosted me for not being “popular enough,” pushing me to the outer rings of her social circle.
Even as an adult, I’ve faced rejection when I returned home after a long trip abroad, only to find that my roommates preferred the subletter over me. It’s clear that our inner circles must align with those of others, and sometimes they don’t.
Conversely, I’ve also turned down friendships with overly eager acquaintances, believing I already had enough friends. Thanks to Dunbar, I understand that I’m simply protecting my established connections.
Dunbar’s Number serves as a reminder that we must remain realistic about the ebb and flow of friendships. Our social calendars may not always be full, and there may be open seats in our metaphorical clown car. Ultimately, the key is recognizing that we can only invite those who are willing to join us on this journey.
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In summary, Dunbar’s Number provides a fascinating framework for understanding the limits of our closest friendships. It highlights the reality that while we can have many acquaintances, the depth of our relationships is ultimately constrained by time and emotional investment.