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Every comedian has a unique style, and while legends like George Carlin and Joan Rivers may dominate discussions about comedy icons, Mitch Hedberg often flies under the radar. Whether you’re familiar with him or not, this ’90s funnyman made a significant mark on the comedy landscape. Known for his bizarre one-liners and observational wit, Hedberg’s delivery was characterized by his deadpan expression and signature sunglasses. His distinctive approach resonated with audiences, making his material timelessly hilarious.
Sadly, Hedberg’s life was cut short at the age of 37 due to a drug overdose, leaving behind a legacy that continues to entertain. For both new fans and long-time admirers, here’s a collection of his best quotes that are sure to make you chuckle.
Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Jokes
- “Fettucini alfredo is just macaroni and cheese for grown-ups.”
- “Pickles are cucumbers that sold out to the devil—dill was the devil.”
- “A waffle is simply a pancake with a syrup trap.”
- “It’s tough to dance after losing your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But hey, this song is funky…”
- “I wear a necklace so I know when I’m upside down.”
- “Wouldn’t it be cool if good foods could cover for bad foods in your stomach? Like a carrot with an onion ring, and the carrot says, ‘It’s cool, he’s with me.’”
- “I wish I could play little league again; I’d crush it this time.”
- “Dogs are always in the push-up position.”
- “I once had an argument with my girlfriend in a tent; slamming the flap to leave is tough. How do you express anger there? Zipper it up quickly?”
- “I love refried beans; I want to try fried beans, maybe they’re just as good!”
- “I once saw a human pyramid. Completely unnecessary.”
- “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here, you toss this.’”
- “You can’t make everyone happy, and last night all those unhappy people were at my show.”
- “I saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. Way too literal for me.”
- “I want to assemble four great cartwheelers and create a cart.”
- “Rice is perfect for when you’re starving and want to eat two thousand of something.”
- “A severed foot makes the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
- “My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them.”
- “My friend once said, ‘I hear music.’ As if there’s any other way to take it in. I tried tasting it, but that didn’t work.”
- “I really dislike turkeys. Stand in the meat section long enough, and you’ll start getting mad at them. They need to be themselves!”
- “My belt holds my pants, but the belt loops hold my belt. So who’s the real hero?”
- “I’m tired of following my dreams; I’ll just ask them where they’re headed and catch up later.”
- “This shirt is dry clean only, which means… it’s dirty.”
- “I don’t have a girlfriend; I know a woman who’d be upset if I said that.”
- “All of these jokes are pre-approved as funny by me.”
- “I enjoy Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”
- “Why aren’t there any during pictures?”
- “If I lost nine fingers, I wouldn’t type any slower.”
- “I love vending machines because snacks taste better when they fall. I’ll drop a candy bar to maximize its flavor potential.”
- “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be in trouble.”
- “Wearing a turtleneck feels like being choked by a weak guy all day.”
- “I want a vending machine with fun-sized candy bars behind a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it’ll be too late.”
- “An escalator can never break; it just becomes stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.’”
- “Waving to strangers is dangerous; what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think I’m cocky.”
- “Sometimes I fall asleep in my clothes. I want my clothes made from blankets.”
- “Whenever I shave, I assume someone else is shaving too, so I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’”
- “Bologna is deli meat for people with vision.”
- “I sit in hotels at night thinking of something funny. If the pen is too far away, I convince myself it wasn’t funny.”
- “Chicago is the Windy City and Montana is the Big Sky State; we should combine them for the ultimate kite-flying experience.”
- “Do you think I’m just making this up as I go? I’m not Robin Williams. I’m the king of the pen.”
- “Foosball is a mix of soccer and shish kebabs.”
- “If you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you insane.”
- “I like to close my eyes on stage; I’ve drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show on the back of my eyelids.”
- “People teach dogs to sit as a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and no dog has ever thought I was tricky.”
- “I had a stick of CareFree gum that didn’t work; I felt good blowing bubbles, but when the flavor was gone, I pondered my mortality.”
- “I haven’t slept for ten days—that would be too long.”
- “I want to be a race car passenger, just a guy who annoys the driver. ‘Can I turn on the radio? Slow down! Why are we going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window?’”
- “I love blackjack, but I’m not addicted to gambling; I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
- “The sad thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be better than a wall.”
- “You know those fishing shows on TV? They catch fish and let them go; they just want to make fish late for something.”
- “I’m against picketing, but I’m not sure how to show it.”
- “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but there wasn’t one at the store, so I bought a cake instead.”
- “At a casino, a guy told me I had to move; I was blocking a fire exit. If there’s a fire, I’m not staying put!”
- “My sister wanted to be an actress but never made it. She lives in a trailer now; she got halfway.”
- “One commercial said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did, and it was a relief until they tried to sell slipcovers!”
- “I think animal crackers make people believe all animals taste the same.”
- “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks—because when you’re sick but want to socialize.”
- “Last week, I helped my friend stay put; it’s easier than helping them move. I just went over and made sure he didn’t load anything into a truck.”
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Summary
Mitch Hedberg’s unique brand of humor features absurd one-liners and observational wit that resonate even today. With his iconic style and deadpan delivery, Hedberg’s quotes continue to entertain and provoke thought. For those interested in starting a family, exploring resources like home insemination kits can be beneficial, with sites like makeamom.com offering valuable insights.