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One of the trending “parenting styles” making waves on social media is known as “gentle parenting,” sometimes referred to as “positive parenting.” If you’ve encountered discussions about it, you may have noticed a mix of opinions in the comments section.
Some individuals express their admiration for what they believe gentle parenting entails. They argue that children are not capable of manipulation, and that any emotional expression from a child, even if disruptive or damaging, should be welcomed or even celebrated. This perspective often comes with an air of superiority, suggesting that their children possess greater emotional intelligence than those raised with different methods.
Conversely, others dismiss gentle parenting, perceiving it as a way to allow children complete autonomy, which they believe results in entitled, overly dependent, and helpless behavior.
Both sides appear to misunderstand the essence of gentle parenting, conflating it with permissive parenting—also known as indulgent parenting—which research indicates can hinder a child’s development. When parents fail to set loving yet firm boundaries and indulge inappropriate behavior, children with certain temperaments may take advantage of this lack of limits, leading to destructive or risky actions.
However, gentle parenting is distinct from permissive parenting. Individuals who mistakenly think they are practicing gentle parenting may actually be indulging their children, missing the true intention of gentle techniques, which does not benefit either the child or the parent.
At its core, gentle parenting involves establishing fair and firm boundaries while avoiding harsh punishments. It’s about ensuring that a child’s needs are met, their emotions acknowledged, and teaching them to consider others when expressing those feelings. Gentle parenting does entail consequences for inappropriate actions, but these consequences are proportional to the misbehavior exhibited.
In essence, gentle parenting aligns closely with authoritative parenting. Having been a parent for 15 years, I’ve noticed that the term “gentle parenting,” which gained popularity around 2015, may have emerged as a softer alternative to the term “authoritative,” often confused with “authoritarian,” a more rigid and punitive style that experts caution against. When you compare descriptions of “gentle” or “positive” parenting with “authoritative” parenting, they are fundamentally similar.
Gentle parenting does not mean allowing children to behave poorly without consequence. Rather, it signifies using methods other than punishment and coercion to convey expectations. This approach recognizes parental authority while also respecting a child’s emotional and developmental needs.
For instance, if a three-year-old spills juice intentionally, a gentle/authoritative response would involve the child helping to clean the mess, with guidance, while discussing why it happened. The child may not articulate their reasoning clearly, but you might deduce that they are experimenting with pouring. Offering them a safe way to explore this behavior, like playing with water outside, can teach them that while it’s okay to have fun, certain boundaries exist.
In contrast, if an eight-year-old spills juice on purpose, the approach would differ. By this age, they can be expected to clean up after themselves, and it’s important to communicate that while feeling angry is normal, expressing it through such actions is unacceptable. Consequences would be tailored to address the underlying cause of the anger.
Gentle parenting, like authoritative parenting, involves a detective-like approach: What underlying need is driving the child’s behavior? What message are they trying to communicate? An eight-year-old upset about losing game time might be struggling with a change in their routine, needing guidance on channeling their energy positively.
What gentle parenting is not, however, is a parent who cleans up after a child while indulging their tantrums, saying, “How about five more minutes of video game time?” This scenario reflects permissive parenting, which is inappropriate for any age. Yet many seem to envision this when thinking of “gentle” parenting.
Gentle parenting (or authoritative parenting) emphasizes maintaining composure as a parent. I’m skeptical of any parent who claims to never lose their cool, as we all have our moments. On tough days, I’ve raised my voice at my kids; the goal is to minimize yelling and instead focus on helping children learn acceptable behavior rather than imposing arbitrary punishment.
You may have thought you were an authoritative parent without realizing you were already practicing gentle parenting. Alternatively, you might have believed you were practicing gentle parenting when, in reality, you were engaging in permissive parenting, which can leave you feeling overwhelmed and as if your child is in charge.
Regardless, it’s clear now that gentle parenting is simply another term for authoritative parenting. Call it what you will; research consistently shows it’s the most effective approach for raising emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted, confident, and responsible children. Happy gentle parenting!
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Summary:
Gentle parenting is often misunderstood and confused with permissive parenting. It emphasizes setting fair boundaries without harsh punishment, meeting children’s needs, and teaching them to express emotions appropriately. This parenting style is akin to authoritative parenting, which has been shown to foster emotionally intelligent and responsible children.