The Impact of Your Words on Your Children: A Lasting Effect

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“Jessica, I’m really upset with you.” Ouch. Even as an adult, that memory of my mother expressing her disappointment still stings. Did she genuinely feel that way about me? Probably not. More likely, she was reacting to something I did or said, but it didn’t come across that way. The words she chose had a significant impact, and as someone who has experienced this, I can attest that language matters. We all know this, yet it’s often easier said than done—especially when your little ones seem to test every last nerve.

I affectionately call my daughters my “little rascals.” It’s all in good fun, and they laugh along, sometimes even pretending to play the part. They understand that when I bring this up, it’s my way of signaling that they need to calm down without me completely losing my temper. But honestly, there are times when I feel completely overwhelmed. As parents, when we’re stressed or at the end of our rope, we might say things we don’t truly mean, or we may not consider how our words will resonate with their young minds.

Remember that “sticks and stones” phrase from our childhood? Well, it was misleading then, and it still is now. It’s not just about the words themselves; it’s about the feelings those words evoke. There are certain phrases that should be avoided in conversations with your children.

Phrases to Avoid in Conversations with Your Kids:

  1. “It’s Not A Big Deal”
    When a child has a meltdown over something seemingly insignificant (like being told no for the umpteenth time about a new toy), it can be easy to dismiss their feelings. However, invalidating their emotions sends the message that what they’re feeling doesn’t matter. This might lead them to carry that belief into their friendships, workplaces, or romantic relationships.
  2. Using Absolutes (Always/Never)
    As a child, I despised hearing phrases like “You always give up.” It’s simply not true! Speaking in absolutes closes off the opportunity for meaningful dialogue and self-discovery. Don’t pigeonhole your kids before they’ve had a chance to understand who they are.
  3. “You Make Me Feel…”
    While it’s natural to feel disappointed by a child’s actions, expressing it this way can be manipulative. It’s essential to help them understand how their actions affect others without making them feel responsible for your emotional state.
  4. “You Should Know Better”
    They’re kids, after all! Sure, they sometimes do silly things, but using guilt as a motivator for change is unlikely to work. Instead, use these moments as teaching opportunities that promote growth and problem-solving skills.
  5. “Let Me Do It”
    When you intervene in your child’s attempts to do things on their own, you’re robbing them of chances to learn and grow. Encourage their independence, even if it feels easier to step in.
  6. Labeling Based on Achievements
    “You’re a fantastic artist!” can backfire if the next piece of art doesn’t live up to that standard. Instead, focus on their effort and creativity rather than outcomes. “I’m proud of how hard you tried” can go a long way.

Parents, don’t stress too much; we’re all figuring this out together. We will make mistakes and occasionally lose our cool. What matters is that we strive to improve our communication. If you think this is just modern, touchy-feely psychology, think again—it might be how we should have always approached parenting.

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In summary, the words you choose in conversations with your children can have lifelong implications. Strive to communicate in ways that validate their feelings and promote their growth.