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Healing from My Brother’s Abuse: A Long Journey
by Sarah L. Mitchell
Updated: Oct. 8, 2021
Originally Published: Oct. 8, 2021
There are times when I find it hard to begin, except to say, “I am a survivor of domestic abuse. My mother, however, is not.”
People often jump to the conclusion that my mother was killed by my father, but that’s not the case. After nearly two decades of physical, mental, verbal, and emotional torment inflicted upon us, my brother was the one who took her life. He was arrested the following morning after a brief chase and standoff with the police. One might think the path ahead would be straightforward since my brother confessed to me what he had done and warned me against returning home. There were also years of police reports documenting “domestic disturbances.” Yet, as I detail in my memoir, Finding Justice, it took an extensive amount of time to see him brought to justice. He manipulated the criminal justice system much like he manipulated us during our years of abuse. It was draining.
Years later, when my brother was finally imprisoned, I felt a sense of relief that allowed me to grieve. It was as if his legal battles had kept me shackled within my grief, but now, with it “over,” I was ready to move forward—well, almost.
I had no inkling of how challenging the healing journey would be. I had assumed that once my brother’s terror ended, the trauma would, too. However, I quickly learned that the deeper we bury our pain, the more it resurfaces later. Trauma cannot be neatly tucked away until it is addressed.
Thus, once the abuse ceased and I could finally confront it rather than merely surviving it, a long and difficult path began to unfold. Despite the rocky terrain, I knew I had to follow it until I reached a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. If not for myself, then for my children.
But my journey was not just about confronting the damage my brother inflicted; I also needed to process it thoroughly enough to break its hold on me. I had to revisit painful memories: the scene of my mother’s murder, the preceding abuse, and the “why’s” and “how’s.” I had to do this enough times for it to lose its power over me. Talk therapy and the right counselors significantly aided this process. An enormous amount of grace and self-forgiveness played a vital role as well.
The hardest part was forgiveness—not that I’ve forgiven my brother; honestly, I doubt I ever will. I also don’t see it as a necessary step for my healing. As I expressed in my memoir, “I genuinely believe that forgiveness allows some of a victim’s lost freedom to return to their abuser. It enables the guilty party to feel less remorse for their actions. However, this ‘forgiveness’ is never a victim’s burden to bear. Our responsibility is to create… space for healing and to forgive ourselves.” I’m proud to say that after a decade of dedicated work and self-advocacy, I have forgiven myself for prioritizing someone else’s well-being over my own safety. That shift has been transformative.
But that was just the beginning. After achieving a degree of forgiveness and healing, I had to learn how to establish healthy boundaries and reassess all my relationships through that lens. Ultimately, this led to the difficult decision to let go of many people in my life who didn’t respect my healing journey. The process was gut-wrenching and inevitably brought new trauma into my therapy sessions.
I would be dishonest if I claimed to have remained steadfast throughout my healing journey, especially given the naysayers. It’s far easier to deny the existence of trauma and its effects than to confront the pain and discomfort it causes, particularly when your intentions are scrutinized. Some have accused me of “playing the victim card” because I often share my experiences. Yet, I believe that sharing is an essential part of my healing process, rather than a reflection of my inability to heal. Others’ unwillingness to understand my narrative often mirrors their own need for growth.
So, hang in there, friends. This journey isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort. I assure you, you are worth it.
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Summary:
The journey of healing from my brother’s abuse has been long and challenging. After he tragically took my mother’s life, I faced the arduous process of confronting my trauma and learning to forgive myself. Establishing healthy boundaries and reassessing relationships were crucial steps in my recovery. Despite the difficulties and naysayers, sharing my story has been an integral part of my healing.