Losing my mother to ovarian cancer when I was just eleven years old has shaped my life profoundly. Now at 39, I’ve spent more time navigating life without her than I did with her. Throughout my journey, I often found that those outside my family avoided discussing my mom, likely out of a desire to spare me—and themselves—from discomfort. They thought silence was the best course of action, but the truth is, they just didn’t know how to approach it.
Having lived as a daughter without a mother, I’ve learned how to support others in similar situations. There are specific triggers that can be upsetting, but there are also meaningful ways to make a difference in their lives. A friend recently reached out, seeking advice on how to help a mutual friend who lost her mother. I didn’t hesitate to share what I’ve learned over the years.
If someone in your life is mourning the loss of their mother, while you can’t bring her back, here are five impactful ways to support her:
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Check In and Listen
Ask your friend how she’s holding up, and be ready to lend an ear. If she isn’t ready to discuss her feelings, try again later—sometimes it takes time. Knowing that someone genuinely cares can be a lifeline. When she does decide to open up, just listen. You don’t need to have all the answers; sometimes, just being heard is what matters most. Offer a comforting hand, but remember, you’re not her therapist. Encourage her to seek professional help if she needs it, but also let her know that she can talk to you when she needs to release her emotions. -
Mind Your Words
Be conscious of what you say around her. It’s natural for friends to share joyful moments with their mothers, like pedicure outings or vacations. While it can be heartwarming, it can also be a painful reminder of what she’s lost. I’ve found joy in my friends’ happiness, yet there’s often a bittersweet twinge that accompanies it. When speaking with someone who has lost their mother, avoid conversations centered on the joys of motherhood, as this can unintentionally deepen their sadness. -
Remember Important Dates
This is crucial! Mark those significant dates on your calendar—her mother’s birthday and the anniversary of her passing. For me, March 2 is a day filled with memories and emotions. Many women struggle on these anniversaries, often isolating themselves. A simple text or a thoughtful phone call can mean the world. You might even send flowers—just be sure to ask about her mother’s favorite blooms; a small gesture like this can brighten her day. Also, on Mother’s Day, be sure to reach out. While you’re celebrating your own mother, she may be grappling with her loss. -
Connect Her with Others in the Same Boat
This is a game-changer! I grew up feeling isolated without knowing other motherless daughters. It wasn’t until I found the Motherless Daughters group in Portland that I discovered a community of women who shared my experiences. If you know of anyone else who has lost their mother, consider introducing them. The bond between those who have faced similar losses can be incredibly healing. -
Avoid Comparisons
It’s important to recognize that everyone’s relationship with their mother is unique. While some friends may have strained relationships with their mothers, losing a mother altogether is a different kind of grief. I’ve had friends express their struggles with their mothers, equating it to my loss, but the truth is, having a mother who is alive—even if the relationship is rocky—provides opportunities for connection, even if it’s strained. Acknowledge the differences in experiences rather than minimizing the loss.
In times of sadness, we all want to help but often don’t know how. By being present, listening, and showing compassion, we can make a significant difference in the lives of those who are mourning.
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Summary
Supporting a motherless daughter involves active listening, being mindful of your words, remembering significant dates, connecting her with others who share her experience, and avoiding comparisons with strained relationships. Through simple yet meaningful gestures, you can provide comfort and companionship during a challenging time.