I Was Hesitant to Begin an Antidepressant — Here’s What Happened

It took me years to finally decide to try an antidepressant. My doctors, therapist, partner, and sister had all encouraged me to take that step. I recognized that I wasn’t myself, yet I hesitated to consider medication, holding onto the hope that “things would improve.”

When I finally began an antidepressant in March of this year, I was pleasantly surprised by the positive effects. After a few weeks and a shift in the timing of when I took it, my body adjusted, and the changes were so significant that I regretted not trying medication sooner.

So, what held me back for so long?

Why didn’t I just follow the advice of my healthcare providers and loved ones, who all clearly had my best interests at heart? I knew I wasn’t feeling well, yet I still felt reluctant to start an antidepressant. When my doctor ultimately recommended a low-dose SSRI, I couldn’t help but cry.

What was driving my fear?

It was fear itself. More than just simple hesitation, I was deeply afraid. Despite knowing that psychiatric medications can be lifesaving—my partner had experienced this firsthand—I still found myself anxious about the decision.

I Was Concerned About Potential Side Effects

The SSRI my doctor prescribed, Fluoxetine, came with a daunting list of possible side effects: impaired judgment, sleep disturbances, headaches, increased anxiety, and even changes in mood or behavior. The thought of becoming irritable with my kids or feeling like a different person was frightening. I worried I might lose my newfound understanding of my sexuality and the confidence that came with it.

I also had superficial concerns; I had already gained 20 pounds over the past year and a half. Would the medication make me feel even more disconnected from my body?

My Initial Experience on Antidepressants

Initially, I took my medication at night before bed. Within days, I noticed I either wasn’t dreaming or couldn’t remember my dreams, which was unusual for me. I also found myself waking up before my alarm, but felt refreshed. However, I experienced moments of severe anxiety that felt disconnected from any specific worry. After adjusting the timing of my medication to mid-morning, those feelings subsided, and I began to remember my dreams again.

A few weeks later, I found myself spontaneously wanting to engage in activities I had once enjoyed—cooking, exercising, and socializing. I didn’t notice any unusual changes in my mood or irritability.

Reflecting on My Fears

In hindsight, my fears weren’t merely rational assessments of potential outcomes. I was afraid because I was dealing with anxiety and depression—the very issues I needed help for were what kept me from seeking treatment. Fear can be a powerful barrier to getting help, even when you know you need it.

Ultimately, all my fears proved unfounded. Instead of feeling like a different person, I felt more like myself than I had in a long time. Everyone’s experience with medication is unique, and not everyone will have the same positive outcome. However, if you feel like you’re not quite yourself, it’s essential to reach out to your healthcare provider. There is likely a treatment that can help you feel more like yourself, and you deserve that.

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In summary, my journey with antidepressants started with fear and hesitation but led to a renewed sense of self. If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to seek help—there are options available for you.