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It’s been 995 days since I walked away from a life I thought would last forever. I wholeheartedly invested in that life, which ultimately spanned just 2,407 days. Though it was far from perfect, it was a mix of pain and beauty, and for those days, it was truly mine. Then, in an instant, it was gone.
For nearly 995 days, I’ve grappled with a whirlwind of emotions, often veiling my true feelings. I’ve been in denial and deliberately suppressing the heartache. The moment I realized I had to leave, my heart shattered into countless pieces. While I’ve managed to piece myself back together—now more beautiful for having been broken—there are still gaps where love once resided. Those spaces can never be filled, leaving behind a profound emptiness.
While I’ve openly grieved the loss of the three incredible souls I had the privilege of raising, I kept the deeper feelings hidden. I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge the longing for that love that felt destined from the very beginning. As someone fortunate enough to have found my soulmate after such devastating losses, I thought there was no room for this longing. I ignored it, pretending it didn’t exist, and kept it hidden from everyone, including myself.
Recently, however, the dam holding back my emotions began to crack. The sadness and yearning seeped out slowly, until it burst open, revealing all I had desperately tried to conceal. I told myself it was unacceptable to feel pain about my past while fully loving my current family. But now I see how misguided that belief was.
I acknowledge these feelings as real and valid. I carry a deep sorrow for having given my all to a life that was cut short. There’s an underlying fear that I may never feel whole again, as a piece of me vanished when those dreams shattered. I yearn for the woman I once loved to still be in my life.
Experiencing such profound love changes a person forever. Whether that connection lasts or not, it leaves an indelible mark. Before her, I had never known love like that, and it will always be a part of my essence. The bond we shared was intense and significant, even if it ultimately didn’t work out. It was real, and it will forever be etched in my heart.
These truths can no longer remain hidden. A wise friend recently reminded me that the heart remembers, a lesson that resonates deeply. The love I felt for that woman and those children lingers, manifesting as an ache that surfaces especially on rainy days. And at times, it feels like a deluge.
As I navigate this emotional flood, I realize how much I wish things could be different. I don’t yearn to return to my past life or undo the journey that has brought me to this moment. I don’t wish to be back with that woman or raising those children instead of enjoying the beautiful life I have now with my wonderful partner and our family. This isn’t a confession of regret or a sign that I don’t cherish my current family. In fact, it feels quite the opposite. Everything I’ve experienced has allowed me to love my present family more deeply and intentionally.
My third love is something I never expected and is everything I didn’t know I needed. Yet, as I hold onto the memories of the past, I hope that one day, if it’s meant to be, we might reconnect.
I was afraid to admit these feelings to myself and even more so to voice them. But they started pouring out uncontrollably, signaling it was time to embrace them. The internal conflict has calmed, and I feel more grounded. I understand my emotions and am no longer at odds with them. By allowing these feelings to surface, I’ve begun to rediscover my true self—the emotionally honest, heart-centered individual I’ve become over the years. And for that, I am incredibly grateful.
Today, I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, and I’ll continue to show up for my family. Perhaps you can’t fully grasp what I’ve shared, or it may evoke discomfort, but I know some of you resonate with these truths too. If I can offer any wisdom from my experience, it’s this: let your feelings flow freely, release the burdens of what you wanted or hoped for, and embrace your life as it is. Allow yourself to be present without the weight of past or future chapters.
These are my commitments to myself. For the first time in a long while, I’m genuinely accepting myself and my life as it stands. So here I am, carrying a lighter emotional load, savoring each moment with my loved ones, and inviting you to join me on this evolving and beautiful journey.
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Summary:
This piece reflects on the complexities of love and loss after a significant relationship ends. It explores the emotional journey of reconciling past heartaches while embracing new beginnings. The author emphasizes the importance of acknowledging feelings and being present in one’s life, offering insights for others navigating similar experiences.