My Partner Struggles to Grasp Perimenopause

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Last Friday night, I went to bed with the best intentions. I was feeling great and planned to wake up early to tackle some chores, bake cookies for my daughter, and enjoy a hike with my partner and our dog, followed by a relaxing couples’ massage.

However, once I settled in for the night, I was abruptly awakened by an intense wave of heat. Despite the chilly 40-degree weather outside and my lack of clothing, I was drenched in sweat. After an hour of tossing and turning, I got up to open the window and turn on the fan.

My partner stirred, wrapped himself in an extra blanket, and questioned whether it was necessary to have the window wide open and the fan blasting. I explained that I was literally dripping with sweat, and yes, it was absolutely essential. He promptly fell back asleep, snoring loudly, leaving me feeling frustrated and alone. After another attempt to wake him, I retreated to the sofa and managed only about three hours of sleep that night.

When he woke up, bright and cheery, claiming he hadn’t slept well, I couldn’t help but respond, “Well, you were snoring even while awake!” This left him baffled, wondering what my issue was. I could feel my hormones crashing, leading to a whirlwind of thoughts: Why am I so hot? Why is my heart racing? Why do I feel like crying? What will I do when my kids leave home?

I needed to check my hormone levels but felt overwhelmed with responsibilities. To top it off, I was out of lube—again. And, oh no, I was bleeding for the second time that month. After trying to unwind in the shower, I struggled to fit into my clothes, and my headache felt like it might explode.

I found myself staring into the mirror, attempting to mask my frustration with expensive makeup, only to break down in tears instead. My daughter asked when we could bake cookies, and I snapped at her, leading to even more self-loathing.

While my partner tried to comfort me, he often resorts to what I call “toxic positivity” to handle my mood swings and perimenopausal struggles. He’d say things like, “It could be worse!” or “Nothing’s really wrong. You just need more rest.” He even joked about my appearance, saying, “Did you remember to pick up more lube? You look great!” (Insert eye-roll emoji here.)

I know I’m not alone in this struggle. A friend of mine, also navigating perimenopause, described her own battles with teenage kids and a husband who thinks all he needs to do is steer clear. The reality is that the challenges we face during menstruation and perimenopause are tough, and we have no choice but to confront them head-on. The physical symptoms—bleeding, night sweats, fatigue, mood swings—are undeniable.

It seems that men often don’t grasp what we’re going through because they can’t see it. They complain if they go without intimacy for a few weeks, using that as an excuse for irritability, yet they fail to understand the hormonal roller coaster we endure, which has been a part of women’s lives forever.

I recognize that I might not be the easiest person to be around right now, especially since I’m new to perimenopause and figuring out how to cope with it all. I want to acknowledge that this can be a significant issue for couples. If you’re facing similar challenges, know that you’re not alone. And if you have any tips, please share them. My doctor recommended Vitamin D, sleep when possible, and valerian root to help ease the symptoms, but there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for this common issue.

It’s taking a toll on my relationship, and I don’t want that. I’m trying to accept that my partner may not fully understand what I’m experiencing because he’s not living through it. Perhaps if I lower my expectations (and consider turning our spare room into a sanctuary for him), things might improve.

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Summary:

Navigating the challenges of perimenopause can be difficult, especially when partners don’t fully understand the physical and emotional turmoil involved. The symptoms—like hot flashes, bleeding, and mood swings—can strain relationships. It’s important to find support and solutions while acknowledging that not everyone will comprehend these changes.

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