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I can confidently say that nearly every lesbian mom has encountered the familiar phrase: “Your child just needs a man to guide them.” Sound familiar? In the U.S., approximately 4.3% of people identify as LGBTQ, and a 2017 report from the Family Equality Council indicates that over 200,000 children are being raised by LGBTQ parents. My partner and I understand what our children truly need, and it certainly doesn’t involve a man living in our home to support their growth. For lesbian moms, suggestions like “you need a male role model” don’t simplify the parenting journey.
When my partner and I chose to expand our family, we did so with our eyes wide open. We anticipated challenges with conception (which we faced), expected our families to be surprised (they were), and recognized the importance of building a supportive community around us (which we have done). These experiences are universal among parents, whether in a heterosexual partnership or a same-sex family. Preparing for parenthood comes with enough challenges—defending our family structure should not be one of them. Alongside the usual inquiries like “Who’s the mother?” we also have to prepare for the “Where’s the dad?” question.
Let’s clarify: when we became pregnant, we did so with a strong sense of our identities as mothers. We knew that there would be no men living with us because we are a lesbian couple. Yes, we worked with a sperm donor, and yes, we sought a donor who fit our family’s needs, but that individual is not “the dad.” What every child truly requires is emotional security, and our kids—three of them—have that in abundance thanks to their two loving moms.
Recently, my partner and I discussed how best to approach the sex talk with our nearly 15-year-old son. A well-meaning friend suggested that he would need a man to have that conversation. This was a great opportunity for me to explain that we had already covered that topic with him. We know him well and understand what works best for him. We utilized informative books like It’s So Amazing: A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Babies, and Families, but we also rely on discussions with his uncle and grandfather. Just because our son doesn’t have a dad doesn’t mean he lacks male figures who can address questions that we or books might not cover. His conversations with friends further enrich his understanding, allowing us to clarify facts from fiction. In essence, our family thrives on open communication about everything, including sex, and we don’t require a man in our home to provide the parenting our children need.
To all the thoughtful cisgender friends, couples, and family members out there, it’s crucial to recognize that lesbian moms (and other LGBTQ parents) are more than enough for their kids. We know the importance of cultivating a supportive community, and we have been doing just that for years. On Father’s Day, my son was asked if he wished he had a dad like some of his peers. His response was simple: “My moms have always been there for me,” followed by a lighthearted remark about one of his moms being quite masculine.
Lesbian moms don’t need to conform to traditional gender roles to effectively raise our children, especially our sons. It just happens that one of us has a more masculine presentation, but that certainly doesn’t mean she’s trying to fill the role of a father.
The presence of a person identifying as male or female in a household doesn’t guarantee that the children will fare better or worse. If you believe otherwise, speak with adults who had difficult relationships with their parents. Children raised in single-parent households often express gratitude toward the parent who raised them, just as those raised by same-sex parents do.
Parenting is challenging enough without adding unnecessary complexity through misguided assumptions. Kids with lesbian moms don’t require a dad any more than those with heterosexual moms do. End of story.
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Summary:
This article emphasizes that lesbian parents can successfully raise children without the need for a male figure in the household. It highlights the emotional security and support provided by two loving moms, and it counters the common stereotype that children require a dad to thrive. The piece advocates for recognizing the value of diverse family structures and the importance of open communication within families.