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Kudos to my mother. My two boys are the youngest among her 21 grandchildren, and I’ve never noticed any difference in how she treats each of them. If she forgets to include a quirky birthday check (she finds it amusing to add a random amount of cents) in their cards, she’ll make sure to mention it in the rest of the grandchildren’s cards throughout the year. She’ll joke, “I forgot to send Frannie some cash for her birthday, so you’re out of luck too! Maybe next year!” They all find her humor delightful. I’m confident that if my father were alive to meet his youngest grandsons, he would have treated them just like their cousins, without any regard for their adoption.
In stark contrast, it’s clear that my mother-in-law has never fully accepted my boys. She has distinct favorites among her grandchildren, and I can confidently say that my sons haven’t made it into the top seven—out of only nine grandchildren.
My mother-in-law has a narcissistic streak and thrives on the admiration of others. In her adult life, she flaunts her designer brands and luxurious cars; among her grandchildren, she impresses them with extravagant trips to Disney and fancy tea parties. However, my sons aren’t swayed by these gestures. What they truly desire is a grandparent who shares their interests, whether that’s exploring nature or playing games. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law often interrupts them when they excitedly share their adventures, redirecting the conversation to focus on their cousins’ academic achievements and sports trophies, which she values more. She subtly implies that my children are not quite “family” in the same way.
Years before we adopted, I missed the signs that she would not welcome my sons with open arms. A local couple adopted a daughter from China, and her reaction was negative; she deemed it selfish, questioning why they would choose a child who didn’t resemble them. This mindset predictably extended to my own family when we decided to adopt. Our choice to expand our family in a “non-traditional” manner was often met with her dismissive comments, as if discussing adoption was a taboo subject.
I had hoped that my mother-in-law would come around once she met my boys, but I realized too late that her perspective was unlikely to change. She often claims, “I love all my grandchildren equally,” yet the gifts under the Christmas tree tell a different story. While the other grandsons receive matching winter coats, my boys are usually given random, mismatched items that end up in the donation pile.
I never thought I would see the day when my sons would finally seem to gain some recognition. At my oldest’s high school graduation party, my mother-in-law hugged him and said, “I’m so glad you became part of our family.” While my husband found this sweet, I was struck by the word “became.” It implied that she still views him as an outsider, rather than fully accepting him into the family fold.
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In summary, the journey of integrating adopted children into a family can be fraught with challenges, especially when faced with the resistance of family members. My experiences with my mother-in-law highlight the complexities that can arise, leaving a lasting impact on my sons’ sense of belonging.