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The doorbell chimes, and my partner looks at me, wide-eyed, whispering, “I’ve completely forgotten how to answer the door.” We’re hosting friends for dinner for the first time in two years, and as we awkwardly greet our guests, it becomes evident that we’ve lost our social touch. If I, an adult with years of life experience, feel anxious about socializing in this post-pandemic era, what must my children be experiencing?
For two years, my focus was on navigating the day-to-day challenges of COVID safety and virtual schooling, leaving little room to consider the more nuanced social impacts on my kids. However, I soon realized that the pandemic’s effects—like increased screen time, social media use, and altered family dynamics—have transformed how my kids socialize compared to the pre-pandemic world.
While they enjoy school and interacting with friends there, they seem less inclined to arrange get-togethers outside of school. My middle schoolers appear uncertain about how to initiate plans with friends, almost as if they missed a crucial lesson on socializing, which, in reality, everyone missed.
It was a bit alarming to recognize that we all seem to have forgotten how to socialize in one way or another. I reassured myself that as a parent, I hadn’t failed them; we were simply navigating the strange aftermath of a global pandemic. My next step was to channel my concerns constructively: how could I assist my children in developing the social skills to connect with friends in enjoyable and fulfilling ways that resonate with them, rather than what might satisfy me?
Remove Judgment and Assumptions
My kids find just as much joy in hanging out with friends online—whether through FaceTime or gaming together—as they do in person. Initially, I found it disheartening that they equate these experiences. However, once I stepped back and set aside my judgments, I felt thankful they have varied ways to connect that they enjoy (my term, not theirs). In my mind, in-person interactions ranked higher than online ones, but I realized I needed to shift that perspective because their realities are entirely different from what I imagined.
Call Them Hangouts, Not Playdates
Recently, when discussing plans with my tween, I suggested organizing a playdate. He looked at me, horrified, and said, “Please don’t use the word playdate. It makes me sound like a little kid.” When I shared this with his older sibling, he responded incredulously, “Mom, it’s ‘hangout,’ not playdate. Playdate is humiliating.”
This exchange highlighted a deeper issue: my language reflected an outdated view of my child. I was still treating him like a 4th grader (the grade he was in when the pandemic began) instead of recognizing him as a more mature 6th grader. The words we use matter when we want our kids to feel acknowledged and understood.
Walk Before We Run
During the pandemic, I spoke with my friend Dr. Sarah Thompson, a psychologist, about reintegrating kids into a semblance of “normal.” Dr. Thompson emphasized that children are out of practice in many areas—emotionally, academically, socially, and physically. We need to provide them with a gradual reintroduction to these aspects of life. As she put it, before they can run a mile, they may need to walk a mile.
Before they can tackle grade-level math, they need to revisit their math facts. Similarly, before they can engage in the socializing they once enjoyed, they might benefit from easing back in with less daunting interactions. Instead of diving into sleepovers and weekend trips, consider starting with a casual outing for hot chocolate or a quick game of catch in the park. We must recalibrate our expectations of what feels comfortable for our kids instead of pushing them back to where we think they should be.
Get Curious About What’s Holding Them Back
When I worry about my kids, my instinct is to apply my experiences or those of their siblings to their situations. However, I strive to resist this urge and allow my kids to narrate their own adolescent stories. To that end, I aim to use curiosity to understand their perspectives and aspirations.
For example, instead of asking my 11-year-old, “Why don’t you want to hang out with friends this weekend?” I might say, “I’ve noticed you don’t seem interested in hanging out with friends outside of school. Can you share why that is?” If my child expresses a desire to make plans but struggles to do so, rather than questioning, “What’s so hard about making a plan?” I could say, “It looks challenging for you to finalize a plan. Would you like some advice, or do you want my help?”
Ultimately, my primary goal for my family’s return to socializing is to recognize that there’s no universal approach; each of my children has unique goals and needs. My role is to be patient with where they start and remain curious about their experiences.
I’m also applying this approach to manage my own discomfort with returning to social situations. I’m taking time to observe my reactions: Is my heart racing before heading out? Am I uncertain about what to wear because nothing fits? Do I feel obligated to socialize rather than genuinely wanting to? Is it simply more comfortable to stay home? My objectives for myself parallel those for my kids: start small, allow for gradual progress, be patient, and avoid judging others’ methods. And who knows, maybe one day my partner will remember how to answer the door.
Further Reading
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In summary, as we navigate our new social landscape, it’s essential to approach the situation with understanding, patience, and an open mind. Children and adults alike are adapting to new ways of connecting, and it’s vital to support one another through this process.