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I understood what it meant when I vowed “in sickness and health” to my spouse on our wedding day. It signified that I would be by his side during fevers or colds, bringing him refreshing lemonade that I had skillfully squeezed from fresh lemons, all while dressed in my best loungewear. I envisioned herbal compresses and a steadfast presence, even in the face of a severe illness like cancer. I imagined heroically shaving my head and accompanying him to all his appointments, sharing in his challenges with medicinal cannabis, and crafting smoke rings that spelled “hang in there.” It was all about him, or so I thought.
I wasn’t quite ready for the type of support he really needed.
After four years of marriage and one child, I received a frantic call from my husband, Alex, while I was on a short trip with our son. He was experiencing a panic attack, likely triggered by our absence, and it had persisted for hours. His breathing was shallow, and he was stammering—an alarming situation that required my immediate attention. I rushed home, ready to put my wedding vows into action. I believed I was equipped to be the ideal partner during a crisis, a combination of Florence Nightingale and Olivia Newton-John with a knack for mental health.
However, when I feel anxious, I tend to talk excessively. If you put me in a high-pressure situation, you might learn about my unusual breakfast choices or get a history of my haircuts.
A week later, Alex started medication, and I discovered I was pregnant again. We were living in a cramped one-bedroom apartment, soon to welcome another child. It was then that he gently pointed out that my efforts at support were not as soothing as I had hoped. I was no mental health expert, and my energy often exacerbated his anxiety rather than alleviating it.
Fast forward to 2022. Our once cozy apartment has now transformed into a chaotic space shared with our two children and a dog. With toys and bicycles everywhere, our home has become a battleground between adult responsibilities and kid chaos. The added stress of a pandemic only intensified my worries about my children’s mental well-being. I feared they might inherit their father’s anxiety, leaving me to question whether I could support them adequately. I excelled at playful adventures, but the thought of addressing their potential mental health needs filled me with dread.
The societal pressure on mothers to be everything for their children weighed heavily on me—tumbling coach, dental hygiene advisor, and now, potentially, a mental health guide. This realization pushed me to educate myself about how to support those around me who struggle with anxiety. I consulted a psychologist friend for advice on helping anxious children, which inspired me to create a children’s book based on my experiences, featuring a hedgehog reminiscent of Alex and his chattier squirrel friend—well, you can guess who that is.
Through our journey of “sickness and health,” we have grown closer, thanks in part to a good marriage counselor, and I’ve learned valuable lessons about supporting those who live with anxiety.
Key Lessons Learned
- Respect Privacy: Your partner needs alone time, not random discussions about grocery shopping choices.
- Avoid Sleep Disruptions: Let them have their sleep routine without physical restraints or interruptions.
- Maintain Personal Space: While affection is important, your partner may need space to focus on their well-being.
- Skip the Spontaneity: Unexpected romantic gestures might lead to anxiety, so plan carefully.
- Caution with Creative Projects: Transforming them into a hedgehog character might not be the best idea.
I’ve learned that understanding anxiety is a journey, and I continue to navigate it alongside Alex.
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Summary
Navigating life with an anxious partner requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to adapt. Through my experiences, I’ve learned that support looks different than I initially imagined. By respecting personal space, avoiding unnecessary stressors, and educating myself about anxiety, I can better assist my husband and, hopefully, my children in the future.