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The key is to recognize and comprehend anger rather than simply suppress it.
By Clara Mitchell
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: April 26, 2022
Many of us grew up thinking of anger as a raw and undesirable emotion—one that should be kept in check, particularly for those who identify as female. Displaying anger could lead to being dismissed or silenced. There’s also the belief that anger is a secondary response to more fundamental feelings like fear, sadness, or embarrassment. While that perspective holds some truth, telling someone to set aside their anger and focus on its source is not typically effective. Just ask any parent who has calmly asked a furious toddler to “calm down.”
What if there was a way to validate a child’s anger while guiding them toward understanding its root cause? Meet parent coach and TikTok creator Sarah Lee, who has discovered a straightforward phrase that acknowledges anger while promoting resolution. “I found a phrase that aids my son in expressing his anger,” Sarah shares in a TikTok video that has gained nearly 5 million views. “I want him to know that anger isn’t inherently bad,” she adds. Reflecting on her own childhood experiences, which many can relate to, Sarah explains, “I was always told anger is wrong, leading me to feel like a ‘problem child’ or an ‘angry woman.’ I refuse to let that narrative extend to my son.”
While Sarah clarifies that this isn’t her immediate approach when her son is “really, really mad,” she notes, “if he starts slamming doors or rolling his eyes, I use this strategy.” She gets down to his eye level and gently asks, “What is your anger trying to tell you?”
“I’m trying to teach him that anger is a signal indicating something is off—it may mean a boundary is crossed or a need is unmet,” she explains. Although expressing a need doesn’t guarantee it will be met, articulating it increases the chances of fulfillment rather than resorting to anger.
Sarah’s method aligns with neurological principles as well. Anger activates the amygdala, which is linked to emotions like fear and the fight-or-flight response. In contrast, the prefrontal cortex is responsible for reasoning and judgment. By engaging the prefrontal cortex with a question like, “What is your anger trying to tell you?” we can shift our focus to rationally addressing the anger’s cause. This approach offers valuable lessons not only for children but for adults too.
This article was originally published on April 26, 2022.
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Summary:
A mother, Sarah Lee, shares an effective phrase that aids children in processing their anger by asking what their anger is trying to communicate. This approach not only validates their feelings but encourages them to identify underlying issues, promoting a healthier emotional response.