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One day while we were casually playing catch in our basement, my 11-year-old suddenly asked, “Mom, what’s the Playboy Mansion?” The unexpected question caught me off guard, and I missed the ball, which hit me square in the face. Just moments before, we were discussing his 6th-grade Spanish quiz, and now he was inquiring about one of the most controversial pop-culture landmarks of the 20th century.
In my home, no topic is off-limits. While I may sidestep questions that invade my privacy—like “Mom, how old were you when you first had sex?”—I generally strive to answer all queries honestly. Child psychologists recommend this approach, and I wholeheartedly agree. Therefore, my first step was to understand where his question was coming from. I asked, “Where did you hear about the Playboy Mansion?” He replied, “It was on that Lakers show I was watching with Dad that I thought was inappropriate.” Not the best parenting moment, I thought; note to self: Winning Time isn’t suitable for an 11-year-old.
Now that I knew the source of his curiosity, I reminded myself to avoid lecturing him. I began by introducing Hugh Hefner, the man behind Playboy. (Quick side note: I had to remind myself that he passed away in 2017.) I asked my son, “Have you ever heard of Playboy?” He replied, “Isn’t that like porn, but in magazine form?” His response highlighted how much the landscape of pornography has changed. For those of us who grew up in a different era, porn was often limited to hidden magazines or VHS tapes; today, it’s accessible to anyone with a device.
Given that the average age for boys to first encounter porn is around 11, I’ve made it a point to discuss the topic with my son in an age-appropriate manner. It’s crucial he receives accurate information from me rather than from friends or confusing online sources.
Once I placed Playboy in context—“kind of like porn”—we moved on to the Playboy Mansion itself. I explained that it was Hefner’s residence in Los Angeles, where he lived with several women who were, in theory, his girlfriends. He held extravagant parties, and being invited was seen as a badge of honor among certain Hollywood circles. After sharing these facts, I felt it was appropriate to add a moral perspective. I explained that, despite its allure, the mansion represented problematic attitudes toward women.
“Do you know what misogyny means?” I asked, to which he responded, “Is that when men think they’re better than women?” I was relieved he had a basic understanding of such a serious concept. I expanded on his definition, explaining that it derives from a Greek word meaning “men who hate women.”
After a brief pause, he looked me in the eye and asked, “Did they rape the women in the Playboy Mansion?” I took a deep breath; this question was unexpected. Although we had discussed the topic of rape before, I hadn’t connected it for him with misogyny, but he had made that link himself. His follow-up question showed that he sensed something was off about the Playboy Mansion, indicating that the show had unsettled him.
I replied as honestly as I could, “I can’t say for sure, but it wasn’t a safe place for women.” He nodded thoughtfully and tossed the ball back to me, and this time, I caught it.
While I wish he hadn’t seen that show, I’m grateful it opened the door for us to talk about complex issues like misogyny and consent together, fostering a sense of trust and openness.
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In summary, discussing sensitive topics with kids can be daunting, but it’s essential for their understanding and growth. By maintaining an open dialogue, we can help them navigate challenging subjects and equip them with the knowledge they need as they grow.