Why I Wasn’t Prepared for How Much I Dislike Toddler Tantrums
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I find it incredibly difficult to watch my daughter struggle through her tantrums, and I often dislike how I respond to them even more.
Throughout my life, I’ve been pretty good at hiding my most intense emotions, keeping them bottled up to steer clear of conflict or awkward situations. No matter what emotional storms I faced, I would process them silently, perhaps feeling a simmering rage within, but I never let it show.
Then my baby became a toddler, and that’s when the meltdowns started. My carefully crafted facade began to crumble.
My daughter’s tantrums are not exceptionally severe by toddler standards, but any parent knows that even the mildest outburst can feel overwhelming. Typically starting around age two and dwindling by four, this phase is brief but incredibly intense. Studies show that tantrums happen about once a day, lasting an average of three minutes—though it often feels like five or six hours in the moment.
This is all part of growing up. Toddlers haven’t fully developed their prefrontal cortex, the section of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. “As a result, toddlers are just full of feelings,” explains Lily Johnson, a licensed mental health professional and founder of The Parenting Academy. “They can’t help but express their emotions fully.”
When a toddler feels frustrated, tired, hungry, or misunderstood, emotions can escalate rapidly. Just the other day, my daughter ended up on the floor wailing because we mistook her words about seeing a “cookie” outside for “turkey.” Talk about a mix-up!
Of course, parents aren’t immune to the turmoil during these outbursts. Tantrums can trigger a host of emotions in parents for many reasons: they’re irrational, they often happen at the worst times, and they can be utterly exhausting. On a deeper level, they may evoke feelings of inadequacy as a parent. I often struggle not to take these moments personally, which can lead to negative consequences.
As Johnson points out, tantrums can set off a chain reaction in parents: a child’s behavior triggers certain thoughts, which lead to strong emotions, resulting in impulsive reactions. This cycle often unfolds automatically, leaving parents unaware of what’s influencing their actions. Anger is the most common emotion that leads to these dysregulated reactions. “Many adults were raised with the idea that anger is bad,” she says. “This mindset can ultimately make parents react negatively.”
I deeply resonate with this. All those years of suppressing my anger didn’t involve processing it; I was merely pushing it down. And when a toddler is hurling toys at you because you tried to fix her shirt, it requires significantly more effort to keep that anger under control.
During my three-year-old’s most intense tantrums, I’ve lost my temper. I’ve found myself behaving in ways that feel completely foreign: shouting, threatening, and snapping. Just the other night, my daughter woke me from a deep sleep at 2 A.M., screaming in frustration over the alignment of her blankets. Disoriented and exhausted, I lost my temper too, snapping, “Get BACK in your bed right now! The blanket being straight DOES. NOT. MATTER.”
Naturally, that was the worst possible response. Dr. Mark Thompson, a child psychologist at a leading university, explains that the most crucial factor during a parent-child tantrum interaction is a parent’s tendency to mirror their child’s emotional intensity. “This isn’t helpful,” he says. “Your child is often unaware of the chaos they’re creating, so when you escalate emotionally, it only ramps things up.” Research indicates that negative parental reactions can lead to lower social competence and heightened negative emotions in children.
There’s no shortage of guidance on how to handle tantrums. One should remain calm, validate their feelings, offer a comforting hug, practice mindfulness, maintain a neutral expression, crouch to their level, distract them, or simply ride it out.
But here’s the catch: those strategies don’t always work. Sometimes, despite my best efforts to stay composed and validate my daughter’s feelings, the tantrum only intensifies. In those moments, my stress levels spike, and my mind races with overwhelming thoughts—shame, frustration, and panic, which drown out the expert advice I’ve absorbed.
Experts say this is completely normal. Yet, staying calm is essential.
“Parents often focus on finding the perfect strategy during heated moments,” states Johnson. “While having tools is beneficial, regulating ourselves and learning to soothe our emotions is fundamental to being a calm, grounded parent instead of a reactive one.”
I don’t want to be that reactive parent. I also don’t want to stifle my feelings the way I have in the past. As the adult, it’s my responsibility to finally develop coping mechanisms to handle that often-misunderstood emotion, anger.
I still have a long way to go, but I’m making an effort. When my traditional tantrum-management techniques fail, I’m turning to the strategies that helped me during my daughter’s early days. Because tantrums, in many respects, are similar to contractions. You can’t reason with them; you can’t wish them away. They’re natural occurrences, and regardless of how many clever strategies you learn, sometimes the best thing you can do is breathe through it, remembering that their intensity does not define you.
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Summary:
Navigating toddler tantrums can be incredibly challenging for parents, often triggering intense emotions and feelings of inadequacy. Understanding that these outbursts are a natural part of development can help parents manage their reactions more effectively. By focusing on self-regulation and acknowledging their own emotions, parents can create a calmer environment during these chaotic moments. Developing coping strategies is crucial to ensure that parents do not react impulsively, leading to a more positive experience for both them and their children.