Be Kind to Yourself
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When my first child was born nearly nineteen years ago, I noticed my husband had circled the date on the calendar with a huge smiley face next to it. He was thrilled about resuming our intimate life, while I was simply trying to muster a smile, let alone think about sex.
I attempted to communicate to him that when the doctor mentioned, “No vaginal intercourse for six weeks,” it didn’t imply I’d magically be ready to welcome him back on that exact day. Honestly, who decides on that timeline? How about we get back to intimacy when we both feel ready? Yet, like many women after childbirth, I felt the pressure to satisfy my partner, who was clearly struggling with the absence of intimacy.
So, I tried my best to get in the mood, but it just wasn’t happening. I hoped my low libido was a temporary phase, but it didn’t improve.
What I came to realize — and what I’ve heard echoed by many other women — is that once the six-week mark passes, there’s an unspoken expectation that we should feel just like we did before pregnancy. Our bodies are expected to perform as they did pre-baby, which is totally unrealistic. It takes nine months to create a human, so shouldn’t we expect it to take at least that long to start feeling like ourselves again?
Managing monthly cycles while caring for a newborn is no small feat. Using the restroom after stitches from childbirth is challenging for months afterward. Our hormones, bodies, and moods have all changed. And that’s without mentioning the overwhelming stress and constant sleep deprivation.
In the aftermath of childbirth, I was simply going through the motions, feeling obligated to fulfill my partner’s needs. This only diminished my libido further because I felt that sex was an expectation rather than something to enjoy. The pressure came mostly from within, but my husband, who hadn’t experienced childbirth, struggled to understand my situation as well.
Transitioning from being a mother to feeling sexual was difficult. Engaging in intimacy while my baby slept just down the hall felt strange. I was anxious, fearing that if I didn’t participate, something must be wrong with me.
When I had two more children, I felt even more overwhelmed. My children were constantly seeking my attention, and my energy levels had plummeted. I was sleep-deprived, my diet was off, and my hormones were imbalanced. There were days I doubted I’d ever feel sexual again. I tried everything: reading erotica, wearing sexy lingerie, watching adult films. I even obtained testosterone cream on my doctor’s recommendation, but I never used it because I simply didn’t feel inclined to have sex.
That’s when it hit me: I didn’t want to force myself to feel sexual. Why couldn’t I be patient with myself? I didn’t need to revert to my pre-child self, when we used to have sex weekly. Life had changed; I had changed. Once I let go of the pressure and asked my partner for patience, things began to shift.
Admittedly, it took time, and it wasn’t without challenges. There were moments of frustration from my husband. I genuinely felt that having three kids in three years was all my body could manage, and it responded by suppressing my libido for nearly eight years.
I recognize that’s a long duration. However, it was a gradual journey. Once my kids grew older and I was no longer juggling three toddlers, things started to improve. Having more personal time once they were in school also helped. The most significant change came when I stopped comparing myself to my pre-kid self in the bedroom. This alleviated much of my anxiety, allowing me to look forward to intimacy instead of dreading it.
I genuinely enjoy sex and the feeling of desire. I’m grateful for the energy I now have to please my partner and the urge to seek pleasure myself.
If you find yourself struggling with a diminished sex drive after having children, be patient with yourself. Everyone’s journey is unique; I have friends who were ready for intimacy much sooner after childbirth than I was. The most crucial takeaway is that comparing yourself to others won’t benefit you at all.
If you’re facing a low libido, remember to be gentle with yourself and communicate your needs to your partner. You’ve nurtured a new life while managing your own well-being and your relationship. It’s perfectly acceptable to take your time and heed your body’s signals. Your libido will return, I promise.
For more insights on this topic, check out this piece from one of our other blogs, which delves deeper into the complexities of intimacy after children. Additionally, for anyone interested in home insemination, Make A Mom offers a great resource on the subject. Resolve is also an excellent source for information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
After childbirth, many women experience a significant decline in libido, often feeling pressured to resume sexual activity sooner than they are ready. The journey back to intimacy can be challenging, influenced by physical, emotional, and hormonal changes. It’s essential to be patient with oneself and communicate openly with partners about needs and feelings. Ultimately, taking the pressure off and allowing time for personal healing can lead to a renewed interest in intimacy.