Understanding Codependency: A Guide for Parents and Individuals
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Are you concerned that your child may be developing codependent traits? Or perhaps you’re recognizing these patterns in yourself or a partner? Here’s what a family therapist has to say about identifying codependency in both kids and adults.
By: Jenna Miller
Updated: February 20, 2024
Originally Published: July 1, 2022
The term “codependency” is often used in casual conversation, but its true meaning can be muddled, making it challenging to determine if you or someone close to you is displaying signs of codependency or simply struggling with boundaries. Identifying the roots of these traits can also be complex—was it due to a difficult upbringing, a toxic relationship, or something else entirely? While it’s tempting to point fingers at overprotective parenting, it’s essential to explore other contributing factors that can lead to codependent behaviors.
Additionally, overly criticizing one’s upbringing can sometimes cause people to swing to the opposite extreme, which isn’t always beneficial either. Parenting is filled with conflicting advice; some suggest strictness while others advocate for a hands-off approach. While hovering parents might keep their kids safe from harm, does it foster independence or lead to codependency?
What is Codependency?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, codependency refers to “an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support due to an illness or addiction.” However, in codependent relationships, this emotional support often becomes unbalanced and excessive.
“Most people exhibit some level of codependent behavior,” says therapist Alex Turner, co-founder of Supportive Kids. “It becomes problematic when you neglect your own emotional needs, leading to burnout and resentment in closer relationships.”
How to Identify Codependency
Common indicators of codependency include:
- Persistent anxiety and stress
- Taking responsibility for others’ issues
- Difficulty establishing boundaries
- An intense desire to please others
- Poor communication skills
- Low self-esteem
- High reactivity in emotional situations
- Underlying tension or resentment in relationships
- Fear of being alone
- Struggles with decision-making
These signs may manifest differently depending on the context. For instance, you might feel apprehensive about job security at work but experience fear of rejection from a partner due to their bad mood. As a parent, you may feel overwhelmed when your child has a tantrum.
When and How Does Codependency Develop?
“Codependency can emerge early in children, particularly if they grow up in environments where caregivers exhibit these behaviors,” explains Turner. “Kids in households with addiction often learn to suppress their feelings to maintain peace, leading to early signs of codependency.”
In adults, codependent traits might become apparent in deeper relationships or professional settings. Those in caregiving roles, such as healthcare professionals, are particularly vulnerable, often prioritizing others’ needs above their own.
Raising Independent Children
Turner emphasizes that a certain level of codependency is natural and even necessary. “Understanding codependency is the first step—it’s not inherently negative,” she explains. “We are social beings who rely on one another. The key is finding a balance.”
To nurture independence in your children, prioritize your self-care. “If you identify as having codependent tendencies, establish boundaries early,” Turner advises. “Allow yourself to engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.”
Discussing emotions openly with your child is another critical aspect. “Your role isn’t to fix their feelings but to support them in understanding and managing them,” Turner states. Encourage children to recognize that emotions are valid and temporary.
Modeling healthy emotional practices is essential. Instead of saying, “You made me upset,” express your feelings by saying, “I’m feeling upset right now. I’m going to take a moment to breathe.” This teaches children how to handle their emotions constructively.
The Role of Affirmations
You may have seen those catchy affirmation videos online, often featuring parents and children reciting positive phrases. While they might seem trivial, these practices can significantly boost emotional intelligence and autonomy. “Teaching children that their happiness isn’t contingent on others can mitigate codependency,” Turner notes.
Addressing Codependency in Adults
“Like many, I grapple with codependent behaviors myself,” shares Turner. “Growing up in a challenging environment shaped my tendencies. I’m actively working on achieving balance in my own relationships.”
To overcome codependency, it’s vital to recognize these patterns and their origins. “Spend time reflecting on your emotional state and what influences it,” she suggests. “Therapy can be an invaluable resource for developing healthier relationships.”
Summary:
This article explores the signs of codependency in children and adults, highlighting how it manifests and suggesting ways to foster independence. Key signs include anxiety, a lack of boundaries, and a desire to please others. The piece emphasizes the importance of self-care, open emotional discussions, and modeling healthy behaviors for raising independent children. It also notes that recognizing and addressing codependency in adults can lead to more balanced relationships.