38 Desirable Gifts for My 38th Birthday

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Birthdays are a wonderful occasion, and I hold mine in high regard. The excitement of receiving presents is something I cherish even more. My spouse and friends are well aware of my discerning taste in gifts, so they always request a list. While this may take away some of the surprise, it also saves me from feigning enthusiasm, much like that one time in middle school when I received a bright neon jacket that didn’t quite reflect my style.

This year, I’ve curated a detailed list of items, ideas, and small wishes that I hope to receive after celebrating with a gluten-free Black Forest cake topped with real whipped cream. Here are my top 38 birthday wishes:

1. A reliable individual to back up my phone weekly, preventing the embarrassment of visiting the Apple Store with a rice-filled bag after an accidental drop in the toilet.
2. Joints that make less noise than a battlefield when I crouch or go up stairs.
3. The ability to merge into traffic without having to whip my head around excessively.
4. A permanent end to breakouts.
5. A quiet “Goodnight” from my daughter, allowing her to effortlessly roll over and fall asleep without lengthy storytelling.
6. Self-cleaning pillowcases, because I often forget to wash our linens, leading to unpleasant odors when I finally hit the bed.
7. A modest enhancement in the chest area, ideally a B cup, without resorting to surgery or pregnancy.
8. Smudge-proof lipstick that stays where it belongs.
9. Zero-calorie cheese, even if it comes with a slight risk of gastrointestinal distress.
10. No more nightmares about high school.
11. Candles that can make our home feel cleaner, even if it’s just a perception.
12. A device similar to a Roomba that can discreetly clean up glitter and crumbs left by my daughter.
13. Regular ID checks when purchasing alcohol, so I can feel youthful again.
14. More reality shows featuring unclothed men fixing household issues.
15. A phone alert for upcoming “teachable moments.”
16. An abundance of hugs, but please don’t let go until I’m ready.
17. An hour in a bouncy castle for some stress relief, with the understanding that I might have an accident.
18. A bubble bath without any unexpected strands of hair floating around.
19. Two uninterrupted bathroom breaks of up to 30 minutes each.
20. An app that reminds me of important birthdays, ensuring I’m always a thoughtful friend.
21. The ongoing ability to soothe every boo-boo with a kiss.
22. Three flattering pairs of jeans that fit well, even during indulgent weeks.
23. The courage to answer unknown phone numbers.
24. The wit to deliver a perfect comeback when faced with rudeness.
25. A signature fragrance that captivates attention and sparks interest.
26. The ability to enjoy multiple glasses of wine without suffering the next day.
27. A complete absence of gray hair anywhere on my body.
28. Cheese sticks that are easy to open without complex maneuvers.
29. A spontaneous weekend getaway with my husband, with no camping involved.
30. An infinite supply of salted caramel treats.
31. The skill to apply eyeliner perfectly without looking like a child did it.
32. A drop-off and pick-up service for school that accepts payment in cheese sticks.
33. Restricted access to Instagram two hours before bedtime to avoid mindless scrolling.
34. A reprieve from having to make dinner regularly.
35. A microwaveable popcorn option that doesn’t result in half the kernels being unpopped.
36. Skin that transitions between seasons without becoming excessively dry.
37. A complete absence of crow’s feet.
38. For all my loved ones to have long lives, as the thought of losing anyone is too much to bear.

While this list may seem extensive, it’s a reflection of my journey through life. As I approach my 38th birthday, I feel it’s important to express my desires openly. However, I can be flexible; I would settle for just one uninterrupted bathroom visit—provided I can bring my phone, snacks, and a book with no time limit.

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In summary, my birthday wishes reflect a blend of practical needs and whimsical desires. Turning 38 is a reminder to cherish life’s simple pleasures, while also embracing the complexities and humorous realities of parenthood and adulthood.