As a professional in child development, I have never supported the “cry it out” method of sleep training. This approach does not align with my beliefs or parenting style, and while some parents advocate for it, I find it unsuitable for my family.
The “cry it out” method often lacks representation in mainstream media. I recall watching an episode of Mad About You during my college years, where characters Paul and Jamie sat outside their baby’s room, listening to her cry. Jamie’s desire to comfort her daughter was palpable, yet they stayed put. At 22, I couldn’t understand why they chose that route; my instinct was to provide comfort, not distance.
In my household, sleep patterns are unique. My children typically do not sleep through the night until they reach around 2 years of age. Many nights, I find myself with one or all four children in bed. Although there are sleepless nights, we have also experienced occasions where everyone except the baby sleeps soundly.
Until they are about 15-18 months old, my children sleep with me. During this phase, they are nursed to sleep and through the night. Once they are night-weaned, they transition to a room with a sibling. The bedtime routine involves nursing, followed by my partner taking the baby to bed. Initially, this process can take hours, but gradually he steps back, allowing him to simply sing a lullaby, give a kiss, and leave the room. This gentle approach can span up to two months, but it works for us.
Many parents question why I eschew the “cry it out” method. My belief is that it is detrimental to a child’s emotional well-being. The early years are critical for establishing trust. Leaving a child alone in a dark room to “self-soothe” sends a conflicting message about safety and support. If we were subjected to similar treatment, it would likely induce feelings of abandonment and distress.
During my pregnancy with my second child, I encountered Althea Soltera’s article, “Crying for Comfort,” in Mothering Magazine. She articulates that lack of responsiveness to a baby’s cries—even for brief periods—can be damaging to mental health. It may hinder the development of trust, leading to a sense of powerlessness and anxiety in later life. This method undermines the foundation of secure attachment, which relies on prompt and sensitive responses during infancy.
Furthermore, the difficulty mothers face in hearing their babies cry is rooted in our primal instincts. Separation from our young goes against our natural protective urges.
I also believe that parenting extends beyond daylight hours. Nighttime parenting is an integral part of my role, and I embrace it fully. There is a common argument that a mother’s well-being is crucial for overall family happiness. While this holds some truth, parenting is about being present for my children, even during the night. I understand that there will come a time when I can enjoy longer uninterrupted sleep, but that moment is not now. This is a commitment I made when I embarked on the journey of parenthood.
I must admit, there are times when I feel tempted to adopt the “Ferber” method or allow my babies to cry themselves to sleep. The exhaustion can be overwhelming, and the allure of a mythical baby who sleeps through the night at six months is tempting. However, I recognize that this method comes at a cost, one I am unwilling to pay.
Ultimately, I choose not to let my babies cry it out unnecessarily. While this may result in sleep deprivation for a few years, I believe the long-term benefits of nurturing a secure attachment will far outweigh the temporary challenges.
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Summary
In summary, the “cry it out” method is not a practice I endorse, as I believe it can adversely affect a child’s emotional development and trust. Instead, I advocate for a gentle, responsive approach to parenting, particularly during those crucial early years. This philosophy may lead to temporary sleep challenges, but the long-term benefits of fostering secure attachments and emotional wellness are invaluable.