Nine Things I Wish the Internet Would Stop Advising Me To Do

Public Service Announcement: If you ever find yourself in an experiment where a “teacher” instructs you to increase the voltage on a shock device every time the answer provided is incorrect, brace yourself—it’s about to get intense.

I have developed a deep-seated respect for authority figures over time. If you wear a white coat, I’ll likely follow your prescription to the letter. If your wall is adorned with diplomas, I’ll trust your expertise, even if my own parents recommended you. And if you’ve authored a book, I’m probably inclined to adopt your method for achieving “Perfect Kids in 9 Seconds” without questioning it. (For the record, I’m also published—clearly, it doesn’t take much to get into print.)

However, as I’ve matured, I’ve cultivated a stronger sense of self-assurance. I’m more willing to trust my instincts, carry out my own research, and voice my disagreements with so-called experts. Unfortunately, the internet seems relentless in its pursuit to dictate my choices. Here are nine directives I wish the internet would simply cease:

9. Stop demonizing certain foods.

The constant barrage of messages claiming I’ll be miserable and overweight if I indulge in certain carbs is counterproductive. Seeing those foods pop up in my newsfeed every half hour isn’t helping my resolve.

8. Wrap it!

I’ve seen the success stories, but until a self-wrapping contraption is invented that covers my mouth and prevents me from munching, my thighs are staying put.

7. Infuse water with fruit.

Do you know how labor-intensive it is to prepare three cups of fruit? And who wants to lug around an 11-pound mason jar of soggy fruit they can’t even eat?

6. Get more sleep.

No kidding! My children are older now, and the dinner-bath-bed routine has morphed into a series of practices, rehearsals, and homework. If I hit the hay earlier, I’d be on the same schedule as my 9- and 12-year-olds—how thrilling!

5. Drink wine.

I’ve never been a fan. So please, stop claiming that wine can cure cancer or solve global issues. If you have insights on whiskey, though, I’m all ears.

4. Ditch K-Cups.

I do my part for the environment—my grass is parched from drought measures, and I recycle regularly. But can I not enjoy one cup of coffee made in 30 seconds? If guilt starts telling me my reusable K-Cup is dangerous, we might have a problem.

3. Purge my pantry.

After 41 years of life, I’m quite capable of reading labels and understanding food politics. Not everything is a sinister plot to endanger my health.

2. Invest in fancy jewelry.

I can get four pairs of hoop earrings for just $5 at a local store. Yes, they might stain my earlobes, but hey, black is slimming! And those earrings go perfectly with my budget workout pants.

1. Stop stressing over my child’s self-esteem.

Have you ever interacted with a 12-year-old boy? They believe they have everything figured out. While they might be sweet and kind, I doubt my occasional stern voice will shatter their confidence. If he doesn’t hear me asking him to pick up his shoes, I doubt my concerns about his self-esteem will matter.

See, internet, I am my own expert.

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Summary

The internet often bombards us with unsolicited advice, particularly regarding parenting, health, and lifestyle choices. From dietary restrictions and sleep recommendations to concerns about self-esteem, it can be overwhelming. While it’s essential to stay informed, it’s equally important to trust our instincts and make choices that resonate with our lifestyles.