5 Strategies for Satisfying Your Partner (or Not)

In recent times, I’ve encountered numerous articles titled “5 Ways to Please Your Man,” which have left me more exasperated than inspired. Here’s how the typical suggestions might play out in real life:

Suggestion #1: Welcome Him Home in an Apron and Heels

Reality check: After putting the kids to bed, you might find yourself donning an apron that humorously states, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.” As for high heels? Let’s just say they haven’t seen the light of day since before your first child was born. You rummage through the basement, only to have your four-year-old pop out of bed to announce, “Eeeew! Mom’s booty!” Your husband arrives home late to find you sprawled on the couch, chips on your chest, wearing mismatched heels.

Suggestion #2: Surprise Him at Work in a Trench Coat

What really happens: You leave home looking like a character from a spy movie, only to have your babysitter and neighbor raise their eyebrows in confusion. Your kids, however, are more interested in dressing up as cartoon characters. Upon arrival at your husband’s workplace, you’re met with security protocols that leave you blushing and retreating to your minivan.

Suggestion #3: Send a Sultry Selfie

In reality: You ponder the implications of sending a revealing photo to your husband’s work phone while barricading yourself in the bathroom. While navigating through kids banging on the door, you struggle to create the perfect pose—while avoiding a slip on the bathroom floor. Ultimately, you decide to exclude your face from the picture, only for him to respond hours later with concern over a spider bite your child received.

Suggestion #4: Sit on His Lap and Declare Your Affection

What unfolds: As you try to sit on his lap, he shifts over to make room, prompting you to announce your intentions. Suddenly, your toddler claims his lap, creating a chaotic scene with siblings squeezed in between. Leaning over to whisper sweet nothings, you’re met with confusion as he switches the Netflix show to a superhero cartoon.

Suggestion #5: Dine Out at His Favorite Restaurant

You contemplate his idea of a favorite restaurant, which might be a $3 pizza joint or a fast-food place with a play area. Halfway through your meal, you lean in to whisper a bold statement about your lack of underwear. Instead of the intended flirtation, he points out your spinach-stuck teeth and asks if you need to do laundry. After a couple of glasses of wine, you’re more likely to crash on the couch in comfy PJs than engage in any playful banter.

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In summary, while the conventional wisdom on how to please your partner might sound appealing, the reality often plays out quite differently. Instead of trying to fit into these archetypal molds, embrace the chaos and humor of everyday life, and remember that connection comes in many forms.