Your cart is currently empty!
The Weight of Depression
As a writer, I often find myself trying to capture every aspect of life through my words. It’s essentially the only skill I really have. However, there are times when humor feels like a disguise, a way to mask the reality of my feelings. I genuinely enjoy laughter—both my own and that of others—but often, I find that’s not the way I truly feel inside.
Writing about depression is particularly challenging for me. There’s a fear that opening up will make me seem weak or that it won’t resonate with others because it lacks the light-heartedness they expect. Everyone has their own struggles, so why would they want to hear about mine?
Moreover, articulating my feelings about depression can be incredibly tough. It’s a complex experience, especially for those who haven’t faced it. Some days, I manage to write something decent or enjoy a walk outside; on those days, I seem fine on the surface. But then, there are moments—often on the same day—when the heaviness returns, and I find myself fighting the urge to veer off the road or walk too close to a ledge.
In those times, I should reach out, but depression often convinces me that I have no right to feel this way. It feels self-indulgent, like I should just shake it off, as if it’s not a legitimate illness like those that are more visible. So, I keep it bottled up, isolating myself further, believing that sharing my struggles will only come off as whining. It’s difficult to convey that depression isn’t just sadness, and OCD isn’t merely a need for cleanliness; they’re both deeply debilitating.
For me, it manifests physically and mentally. My focus is fleeting, and I find myself caught between staring blankly at my screen and pushing myself to exercise excessively as a distraction, trying to feel something—anything—other than the numbness. The immediate impacts of my actions fade because, at that moment, nothing seems to matter. The distraction, even if it leads to self-destruction due to my OCD, gives a false sense of control, but ultimately, nothing feels sufficient.
That’s the nature of depression. It distorts your thoughts, making every task feel like a monumental effort, akin to running through quicksand. Work becomes tedious, joy turns dull, and sadness feels overwhelming. Accomplishments lose their meaning, and things that once brought happiness are overshadowed by a sense of hopelessness.
I share this not to deliver an uplifting message, as I don’t have a neat solution to offer, but to remind anyone struggling that they are not alone. There’s a stigma around mental health issues, often leading us to believe we should suppress our struggles. It can feel as though everyone else has it figured out while we’re just faltering.
But we’re not broken. We’re human, doing our best with the strength we have. Even on days when I feel like giving up, I choose to keep fighting, just as I hope you will. We don’t have to face this alone. Sometimes, all it takes is a small moment of connection or a shared understanding to help us through.
If you’re looking for more insights on home insemination and its emotional impacts, check out this helpful resource. And for those considering supplements to enhance fertility, Make a Mom offers great advice. Additionally, if you’re on a journey through pregnancy, the March of Dimes is an excellent resource.
In summary, navigating depression is a complex and often isolating experience, but acknowledging it and sharing our struggles can help us feel less alone.