A Letter to My Expectant, Childless Self

home insemination Kit

Dear Judgy McPerfect,

As your due date draws near, you’re likely fixating on all the little things that really don’t matter. If only you knew how insignificant these worries truly are! My advice? Go to bed and soak up as much sleep as you can before the baby arrives. This could be your last chance for a peaceful night’s rest for quite some time.

What’s that? You’re tossing and turning because pregnancy is making you uncomfortable? Just wait, my friend. Soon enough, you’ll be wide awake at 3 AM, covered in baby spit-up, too terrified to move lest you disturb your little bundle of “only sleeps when held.”

Letting Go of Ridiculous Worries

And let’s talk about the ridiculous things on your mind, shall we? I know you’re worried about possibly embarrassing yourself during delivery, but when the moment finally arrives, you won’t care if you turn the delivery room into a scene from a horror movie—your only focus will be on getting that baby out faster than a teenager can scroll through social media.

Oh, and that book on natural childbirth you’re reading? Seriously, save your time and grab a copy of What the Heck Do I Do with This Baby? because trust me, when labor kicks in, you’ll be begging for an epidural before you even hit three centimeters. The delivery is just one day, but parenting? That’s a lifelong gig. You’d be better off learning about raising kids instead of mastering breathing techniques that won’t do much for the pain—though they might help with your first post-baby bathroom visit.

Embracing the Unexpected

You have a lot of opinions about parenting now, but guess what? You’ll soon find out you don’t have a clue! Karma has a funny way of throwing back at you all those judgments you’re making about other parents. So go ahead and roll your eyes at that mom who leaves her kids at daycare for a little “me time.” Just a few months from now, you’ll be wishing daycare had weekend hours too. And that woman you saw at the grocery store with mismatched clothes? Good luck with those fashion choices because your wardrobe will turn into a collection of oversized shirts and whatever fits over your post-baby body.

Enjoy that extra slice of cake while you can because it’s not going straight to your belly—trust me. And don’t expect to be one of those lucky moms who shed pounds breastfeeding. Nope, you’ll be the one whose kid shows up to preschool looking like they dressed themselves in the dark, while you navigate your day in something that resembles a tent. Showering will feel like a luxury you can only dream about. Soon, trips to the dentist will be your only escape!

The Wild Ride of Parenthood

Once your little one arrives, between caring for them, realizing your partner is not as helpful as you thought, and dealing with those post-partum hormones, you’ll feel overwhelmed. You might find yourself popping birth control like candy just to avoid another child—until one night, after a few glasses of wine, you decide to throw caution to the wind.

But there’s one thing that will make it all worthwhile—the love you’ll discover, which you can’t even comprehend right now.

So buckle up, my friend, and hold onto your maternity jeans while you still can! Get ready for this wild ride and remember, stop judging and start supporting other moms. You’ll need that community more than ever once you realize just how much you have to learn!

Love, Me