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Do You Have Healthy Boundaries or Are You Just a Jerk?
Hey there! You ever find yourself juggling a million responsibilities while trying to please everyone? Yeah, me too. Last year, I found myself in a bit of a chaotic situation. I dropped off my kids with a friend while I dashed over to help another friend, who was overwhelmed with her sick husband and three little ones. The kicker? I had to grab a cab because I lent my car to another friend. Oh, and I took the afternoon off work to entertain my guest—my husband’s family member, no less—while he was stuck at his job.
Now, I’m not sharing this to come off as some kind of hero, but to point out the stress and overwhelm that came with it. I was drenched in sweat, my time management was a mess, and I was juggling poorly prepared food, all while feeling like my career was slipping out of my grasp. Sure, helping others is great, but did I fill up their buckets while draining my own? Absolutely.
It hit me: days like that aren’t just stressful; they tend to be unproductive too. I often end up being an overcommitted flake instead of a reliable friend. So, I decided to take a breather from saying “yes” to every request that came my way. It was tough because, let’s face it—saying yes feels like the right thing to do, right? We all know those folks who seem to avoid helping out when it counts, and I never wanted to be one of them.
But I realized I needed to cut back to reduce my stress and self-criticism. How do you say no without feeling like a self-centered jerk? First, I had to admit that many of my actions were fueled by a desire to be liked. Wasn’t that basically a different shade of selfish? I also started to ponder if those with strong boundaries were actually happier. They seem to know their limits, aligning their priorities with their interests. Maybe having clear boundaries is a sign of self-awareness rather than a lack of empathy.
I went cold turkey on saying yes to everything, which, surprise surprise, didn’t go smoothly. A little while into my boundary experiment, a woman I barely knew received the devastating news of a family member’s death right in front of me. She looked to me for support, and while I felt for her, I was also stressed about my looming work deadline. I gave her a moment of comfort but then returned to my work. I felt awful for not being there for her in that moment.
So, the answer might lie somewhere in between being overly accommodating and self-serving. The idea of community helping one another is beautiful. I grew up surrounded by people—friends and family who stepped in when my single mom needed it. There’s something special about that kind of support that can’t be replaced by convenience.
At the end of the day, I want to help when it truly counts. I just need to find that balance—knowing when to step in and when to step back. Maybe one day, when I’m in a tough spot, someone will bring me that delicious kale salad with pepitas that makes me feel loved.
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In summary, it’s all about finding that balance between helping others and taking care of yourself. It’s okay to say no sometimes—your well-being matters too.