How to Release a Grudge

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A few weeks ago, I accidentally hit a woman with a revolving door while juggling my baby and a folded stroller at the local gym. I wish I could say it was intentional, but it wasn’t. As I was navigating the door, a guy behind me pushed it with surprising force, and the woman in front didn’t quite clear the way. The door swung around and knocked her sideways.

“Ah, I’m sorry!” I blurted out immediately.

She leaned in close and yelled, “NEXT TIME, BE MORE CAREFUL!” The people nearby exchanged glances, some perhaps judging her and some possibly me, who knows.

It seemed trivial, but I found myself dwelling on it for days. The incident played in my mind like a catchy song, popping up unexpectedly while I was squeezing grapefruits or paying bills. I kept wishing I had responded differently, thinking, “Seriously, it’s just a revolving door.”

Upon reflection, I realized that my annoyance was likely tied to deeper unresolved feelings from past experiences. I wanted to move on, but clinging to that grudge was disrupting my peace. Every time I reminded myself to let it go, it circled back like a nagging reminder of some unresolved anger that needed addressing.

This made me ponder how people cope with more significant grievances. Why do some individuals bounce back from abandonment or betrayal, while others remain stuck in their pain? Although some can easily “let go,” how does one actually do that? I didn’t want to be angry over a random incident at the gym, but I felt powerless to stop it.

To gain insight, I consulted three experts in the field of forgiveness.

The Organizational Psychologist

Dr. Mark Thompson, a professor at a leading university, conducted a comprehensive study on forgiveness. He concluded that a key factor in one’s ability to forgive is their capacity for empathy. When we think about someone who has hurt us, we often focus on their negative traits, labeling them as “bad people.”

However, he suggests we consider the possibility that the wrongdoing wasn’t intentional. “We tend to assume others act with intent,” Dr. Thompson explains, “but often they’re just navigating their own challenges.” Shifting our perspective to see things from the offender’s viewpoint can facilitate forgiveness. He also encourages recalling times when we’ve made mistakes and how we didn’t judge ourselves harshly.

When I asked him for practical advice on how to move past my fixation on that gym incident, he said, “Think of forgiveness as a gift you can give the other person.” He added that suppressing thoughts of conflict usually backfires, so instead of trying to ignore them, we should work on altering our mindset about the situation.

What about more serious wrongs, like co-parenting with an ex? He advised that recognizing both parties’ intentions to act in the child’s best interest can help ease tensions. For a structured approach to forgiveness, he recommended the REACH method, a five-step program designed to help individuals navigate their feelings.

The Mindfulness Expert

Next, I reached out to Megan Scott, the director of a mindfulness program at a prominent law school. She emphasized that the mind often revisits past pains without invitation, leading to feelings of guilt or discomfort. Mindfulness helps manage these thoughts by bringing our awareness back to the present moment.

Megan pointed out that many feelings arise not from the original incident itself but from the narratives we create around it. If I continued to fixate on the cranky lady at the gym, I was amplifying the situation in my mind. She encouraged acknowledging the pain without reliving it, allowing space for growth and understanding.

In cases of serious harm, like abuse, she highlighted the importance of seeking professional help alongside mindfulness practices. Facing uncomfortable truths can be more manageable with the right tools.

The Spiritual Perspective

Finally, I spoke with Father Paul, a priest who has devoted his life to understanding sin and forgiveness. He began with a scripture about forgiveness, emphasizing the need to forgive oneself before extending forgiveness to others. He explained that when we are hurt, it’s natural to feel pain, but we can rise above it by uniting our suffering with a higher purpose.

He encouraged letting go of pain, as holding onto it can be paralyzing. This aligns with the insights from my other interviews—discarding the narrative around the hurt and replacing it with a new perspective can help us heal.

Putting myself in the shoes of the woman at the gym, I realized she might have been having a tough morning, and my actions unintentionally added to her frustration. I could relate, having had my own moments of losing my temper over misunderstandings.

Ultimately, all three perspectives offered actionable steps to help replace distress with understanding. By the end of my inquiries, I found that my fixation on that minor incident had faded. Perhaps it was my attempts to empathize with her, or maybe my focus shifted from that event to the valuable lessons I learned from these conversations. Engaging fully in life—through work, family, and friendships—can often help us heal past wounds, just as strengthening the body around an injury can promote recovery.

Summary

Letting go of a grudge can be a challenging process, especially when the offense feels personal or significant. By exploring different perspectives on forgiveness—such as empathy, mindfulness, and spiritual understanding—we can find ways to release our anger and move forward. Engaging actively in life while practicing these techniques can help diminish the hold that past grievances have on us.