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The Monster I Confront Daily
You know, I’ve always had a bit of a wild side, but I perfected the art of pretending I had everything under control. Picture it: a loving partner, kids, a yard, and Sunday roasts. I packed Eric’s lunches every night, lovingly slicing sandwiches in half. But lurking within me was a monster, patiently biding its time until it chose the moment I felt most vulnerable to strike. The moment I reached out to it, thinking it would help, it pushed me over the edge.
When I hear someone say, “I beat my addiction,” I can’t help but chuckle. You never truly “beat” an addiction. It’s not a competition you can win or a phase you can look back on with a smirk. Addiction is like a relentless linebacker, always two steps behind, just waiting to bring you down. Sobriety isn’t a trophy; it’s a fleeting gift that could vanish at any moment. It feels like losing a friend who was always there but suddenly disappears when you need them the most. It’s like that ex who only calls when you’re at your lowest but is nowhere to be found when times are tough. Addiction is a heartless and selfish beast, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t conquer it.
I can’t recall my very first drink, but I vividly remember my last: a Bud Light Platinum on New Year’s Eve 2013. Sure, I had plenty more that night, but that was the last drop I took. I wish it had been something more glamorous, like a fancy cocktail enjoyed on a tropical beach. You know, the kind of drink that would make for a great last hurrah.
For me, addiction was a routine, a habit. Wine became my evening companion, greeting me shortly after work. We’d whip up dinner together, laugh at whatever celebrity gossip was on TV, and play with the kids. Sometimes, my companion lingered long into the night, keeping me company while I scrolled through the internet or got lost in old family videos. Do I miss that routine? Every single moment.
These days, I’m just trying to make it through each waking hour. I live minute by minute, focusing on breathing and staying calm. Natural happiness doesn’t come easily for someone like me. The warmth I found in substances was my version of joy. They made me feel like a better boss, a better parent, and a better partner. When I wasn’t drinking, I was often high, and I thought nothing of it. It was just how I lived. If I didn’t have something to get high on, I’d turn it into a full-time job to find it.
Pride is not something addicts usually feel. My mind would race as I’d grab my keys, wondering where I needed to go next. But there were days when nothing was available, and those were my darkest hours. One night, in the depths of withdrawal, I experienced a brief, nightmarish sleep that brought forth thoughts of ending my pain.
I imagine my son, Alex, now 27, dressed in a black tuxedo with a yellow rose boutonniere. My partner, Jamie, watches him with pride, saying, “Your mom would have been so proud today.” Alex, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Yeah, I know she would.”
I don’t have the option of giving up on life because I want to dance with my son at his wedding.
Going to rehab was the best decision I ever made. Initially, I walked in thinking, “I don’t belong here with these people.” There were all kinds, from those who had hit rock bottom to housewives like me. It didn’t take long to realize that addiction has many faces. We all had our monsters, and they had pushed us to seek help.
I spent three weeks surrounded by strangers who quickly became my lifeline. We each had our unique stories, some were seasoned in rehab, while others were still figuring things out. It felt like a college dorm for misfits, and some of us left with newfound knowledge.
I won’t pretend the past year has been smooth. There have been ups and downs, and this journey hasn’t become any easier. Yet, each day I wake up and choose to live another sober day. I seek joy in the little things that don’t involve substances. Kids radiate happiness because they see the world with fresh eyes. I strive to channel my inner 9-year-old who dreamed of being a writer and thought chocolate milk was the best thing ever. I go back to that innocent place, living another day and waking up to face a new one.
The monster is no longer my adversary. My shield is Love, and my sword is Hope. And even if I stumble in the final battle, I’ll keep fighting.
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In summary, my battle with addiction has been ongoing, but I choose to embrace each day with love and hope. I aim to reclaim the joy that life can bring, all while remembering that the journey is far from over.