As I navigate through the chaos of raising my seventh child, I’ve come to realize that parenting is nothing more than a series of demanding phases. Just when you think you’ve survived the worst, another one hits you like a freight train.
Phase 1 — Sleep Deprivation
If luck is on your side, this phase will only last two or three months. But for many, it’s more like six or seven. Hang in there, though, because there will come a night when you tuck yourself in, expecting to wake up in a couple of hours. Eight hours later, you’ll wake up in a panic, thinking something must be wrong with your little one. But when you check on them and discover they’re perfectly fine and sleeping soundly, you’ll feel an immense wave of relief. Finally, life will be easier, right?
Phase 2 — Mobility
Oh, but then comes this phase, which is even tougher than sleep deprivation. Your child will turn into a tiny tornado, finding every choking hazard imaginable and putting it in their mouth. You’ll contemplate getting rid of all your garbage cans and cleaning supplies. Your house will seem like a disaster zone, and you’ll start to gauge when to mop the floors based on the color of your child’s knees. This delightful phase lasts about two years, but one glorious day, you’ll leave the bathroom door open, and no one will dive headfirst into the toilet. You might even leave a trash can on the floor, and when you come back, all the garbage is still inside. That’s when you can finally breathe a little easier!
Phase 3 — Talking
You’ll be so eager for your child to say their first word. “Say Mama! Please say Mama!” You don’t realize that once they start talking, they won’t stop. Those first few “Mamas” are adorable, but by the time you hear “Mama” for the 4,000th time in one hour, it’s not so cute anymore. And when “Mama” is followed by “You’re the worst” and “ever,” that cuteness flies right out the window. This phase doesn’t really end, but you’ll learn to accept it eventually.
Phase 4 — The Terrible Threes and Fours
Forget about the “terrible twos.” The threes are where the real struggle begins. And those fours? Oh boy. This phase can leave you feeling like you need therapy. Expect to hear the words “Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?” and “Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaase???” at least 387 times daily. Whoever invented time-outs must have been living through this stage. You’ll emerge from this phase utterly exhausted and on the brink of a breakdown.
Phase 5 — Lying
If you think your kids don’t lie, you’re either blissfully unaware or still stuck in this phase yourself.
Phase 6 — But Jane’s Mom Lets Her Do It
This one speaks for itself.
Phase 7 — Teenagers
This is a nail-biter. I can’t decide whether this phase or the fours are worse. At least in the toddler years, you could physically manage your kids. Now, they might be taller and faster than you, making this phase feel like survival of the fittest.
Phase 8 — Can I Have Some Money?
This phase seems to stretch on forever. Believe me, I know—I’m 45 and still living it.
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In summary, parenting is a series of exhausting phases, each with its own challenges and rewards. From sleep deprivation to the teenage years, it’s a wild ride filled with sleepless nights, endless questions, and the constant need for patience. But no matter how tough it gets, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.