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Why Some People Have a Meltdown Over Gift-Giving
Once, I gifted my boyfriend a Leatherman tool for Christmas. He was a practical guy, involved in theater tech, so I thought it was a thoughtful and useful present. After all, he had mentioned wanting one after seeing a colleague’s. I felt proud of my choice, believing it was just right for our six-month relationship. When I presented it with excitement on Christmas Eve, he was thrilled. But then came the shocker: he gave me… nothing.
This led to a massive argument. I couldn’t wrap my head around his indifference towards Christmas, while he was baffled that I had attached so much significance to a simple tool. It turns out that our differing attachment styles played a big role in how we perceived gift-giving.
Recently, researchers Hieu P. Nguyen and James M. Munch published a paper in the Journal of Consumer Behaviour exploring how attachment styles affect our feelings about gifts. Essentially, both the giver’s and receiver’s attachment styles can determine whether the giver feels stressed or excited about finding the “perfect” present, and how the receiver feels upon receiving it. This can explain why some folks agonize over gift choices, while others are never satisfied or outright avoid the process.
A Quick Rundown on Attachment Styles
Developed by John Bowlby, attachment theory outlines the bonds we form with others from childhood onward. If you had a “secure” attachment as a child, meaning your caregivers were responsive and consistent, you’re likely to have a positive self-image and feel deserving of love. Conversely, those with “insecure” attachments—due to inconsistent or even abusive caregiving—often struggle with low self-esteem and trust issues in relationships.
Insecure attachments can be further divided into two types: “insecure-avoidantly” attached individuals tend to shy away from intimacy and have trouble trusting others, while “insecure-anxious/ambivalently” attached people crave closeness but fear rejection.
Gifts can act as “relationship signals,” indicating love and trust as intimacy grows. For two securely attached partners, gift-giving can be a joyous exchange. However, for many, it’s fraught with challenges. I’ve recently delved into attachment theory, and it resonates with my own experiences. I used to feel anxious about relationships, particularly at the start. My approach was often to retreat—shutting off my phone and avoiding communication rather than confronting my fears.
This anxiety extends into gift-giving, too. Imagine starting to date someone just before the holidays—what do you do? Is a gift necessary? If so, is it better to give multiple small items or one larger gift? My husband and I started dating in January, so we dodged the holiday minefield. The only tricky moment was Valentine’s Day, which we both chose to ignore.
Nguyen and Munch note that for some, gift-giving is a source of stress rather than joy. Some people think, “It’s the thought that counts,” while for others, gifts can feel like a reflection of their self-worth.
Understanding your attachment style—and that of your partner—might help in navigating gift-giving situations better. It can also clarify why the holiday season can be particularly stressful for some. Knowing this can alleviate the pressure you feel when giving or receiving gifts, whether they seem excessive, inadequate, or just plain wrong.
The silver lining is that attachment styles aren’t set in stone. There are “individual” and “relationship-specific” attachment orientations, meaning open communication with your partner can help establish a more harmonious approach to gift-giving.
Looking back, I now think my long-ago techie boyfriend was avoiding Christmas and gifts until I surprised him with the Leatherman. Our differing views on what gift-giving meant were essentially reflections of our mismatched needs for attention and affection in the relationship. We ended up breaking up shortly after that Christmas. So, it might have been our different attachment styles—or maybe my mother was right about the bad luck associated with giving a knife.
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In summary, gift-giving can be a minefield, especially when attachment styles come into play. Understanding these dynamics can help navigate the emotional landscape of giving and receiving gifts, making the experience less daunting and more rewarding for everyone involved.