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How to Deteriorate Your Relationship with Your Teenager
Parenting Tips
By Jessica Lawson
Updated: Feb. 5, 2020
Originally Published: Jan. 4, 2015
One evening, my kids came home exclaiming, “It’s surprising how many kids dislike their parents!” We spent an hour discussing this, and I’ve spoken with several teenagers recently to gain deeper insight.
The positive takeaway: most teens are quite forgiving of their parents’ mistakes; they are aware of their own imperfections and easily let go of others’. Even more encouraging, in a healthy relationship, teenagers appreciate you for who you are. Sure, they might cringe when you hug them in front of their friends or drop them off at school, but they really don’t mind if you’re a little out of shape or if your fashion sense is stuck in the past.
While you may recognize some of your own behaviors in the following list, view it as a chance for growth rather than a reason for self-criticism. All relationships require effort, and how you communicate with your teen can be crucial. The biggest issues can be resolved with a solid relationship, while even minor disagreements can escalate into major conflicts if your interactions are fraught with tension.
- Ignoring Their Words
Years ago, I received a piece of advice that stuck with me: “Once your child hits 13 or 14, they already know your views on everything. Your role now is to listen.” Initially, I felt defensive because I had so much wisdom to impart! But the reality is, things change. Adults often think they understand the teenage world, yet it evolves rapidly. When you genuinely listen, your children will seek your input. - Over-Critiquing
We all know that criticism can be toxic, yet some degree of correction is necessary in parenting. It’s our responsibility to guide our children in areas like personal hygiene and schoolwork. However, criticism should be delivered kindly and sparingly. Teens face enough judgment from peers and teachers; home should be their sanctuary of acceptance. - Interrogating Them
This point may seem contradictory to the first, but there’s a significant difference between asking questions and really listening. No one enjoys being bombarded with questions without the chance to respond. Ask a couple of questions, then give them space to express themselves. Pauses can foster a safe environment for meaningful dialogue. - Sharing Embarrassing Anecdotes
I often hear parents publicly criticize their kids, portraying them as a burden. Imagine standing in a room while your parents discuss how much you frustrate them. This kind of negativity can damage your relationship; children respond to how they are treated. - Labeling Them
It’s a common stereotype to describe teenagers as irresponsible or selfish. The truth is, many teenagers manage complex lives, juggling academics, extracurriculars, and part-time jobs. We should show them understanding rather than judgment. - Choosing the Wrong Fights
Parents sometimes fixate on trivial matters, like dinner table etiquette, rather than more critical issues. Before standing firm, ask yourself, “Is this worth it?” Allowing teens some autonomy in smaller decisions makes them more receptive to guidance on significant matters. - Expecting Immediate Obedience
It’s unrealistic to expect instant compliance from your kids. Just as you’d want time to finish a task, give them the same consideration. - Invading Their Privacy
As children mature, they naturally desire more personal space. Respect their need for privacy; it’s a sign they’re developing their own identity, not a signal of distrust. - Assuming the Worst
When you maintain a constant state of suspicion, it can drive kids to rebel. Establishing trust without compromising safety is vital; for example, monitoring internet use while still respecting their privacy. - Withholding Apologies
Apologizing when you’re wrong can strengthen your relationship. Don’t let resentment build a wall between you and your teen; instead, show them the value of remorse and forgiveness. - Prioritizing Objects Over Them
My teenagers dislike it when I’m on the phone while driving with them. They want to feel valued and heard, especially as they grow older and our time together becomes more limited. - Nitpicking Their Looks
Teens are sensitive about their appearance, and constant criticism can be damaging. Gentle reminders about grooming are appropriate, but excessive fault-finding will only hurt your relationship. - Comparing Them to Others
This is a common pitfall for parents. Instead, consider how you’d feel if someone compared you unfavorably to others. - Demanding Perfection in Activities
It’s disheartening to see parents berate their children for not excelling in sports or the arts. Remember, your love isn’t contingent on their achievements.
If you’ve read this far, you’re clearly a parent who cares deeply about fostering a happy family. Remember that both you and your teen are learning and evolving, and patience is key.
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Summary
Maintaining a healthy relationship with your teenager requires effort and understanding. By avoiding common pitfalls such as excessive criticism, invasion of privacy, and constant comparison, you can foster a more positive connection. Listening actively and respecting their growing independence are essential for a supportive environment. Remember, both parents and teens are constantly learning and deserve patience and grace.