9 Thoughts I Had While Waiting for My Husband’s Vasectomy

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Last month, my husband took the plunge and had a vasectomy. Yes, he’s officially in the “shooting blanks” club, and honestly, I’m totally on board with it. While I waited in the clinic’s waiting room for his “procedure” (which I’ve been nudging him to do for a year), my mind raced through a whirlwind of emotions. I think I might have crossed into borderline craziness. You know, the whole “no more baby cuddles” thing really hits hard. I’m so done with childbirth, but I can’t help but feel a little sentimental. Here are my thoughts:

1. Finally! Could he have dragged his feet any longer to schedule this appointment? I’ve been asking him to call the doc since last January! Seriously, how many reminders does it take? I may not have loved my prenatal visits, but I went. I mean, pushing a baby out was, well, unavoidable. Just pick up the phone already! Probably scared his man parts would end up in a blender or something. Wait, is that even possible? ::quickly googles vasectomy while cursing the clinic’s Wi-Fi::
2. Bye-bye birth control pills! Praise be! No more worrying about that little pill every night. I’m convinced those hormones turned me into a crazy person. Not to mention the acne and weight gain. I can’t wait to toss those things in the trash tonight!
3. Is he really going to complain about pain? I pushed three humans out of my body! I had stitches down there three times, can he really compare? The first time, I couldn’t even sit normally for two weeks! I don’t want to hear about how uncomfortable he feels. Just be thankful you can move without leaking!
4. No more phantom baby kicks! You know that weird feeling when you think you feel a baby moving inside you even though you’re not pregnant anymore? It’s like, what if I’m one of those women who gives birth without even knowing? Thankfully, I think those days are behind me.
5. What if it doesn’t work? What if we end up with a surprise baby anyway? I mean, what’s the actual success rate on vasectomies? I should totally ask the doctor; will he think I’m nuts? I heard so many stories of “vasectomy babies” from friends, which is not what I need right now. It’s supposed to be 99.9% effective, or was it 89%? Ugh, I need to double-check.
6. What would a fourth baby be like? Would it be a boy or a girl? What would we name them? I’ll miss using the pregnant parking spot at the store. Shopping is so much easier when you don’t have to walk far. What if they had my eyes? Maybe just one more… Yes, ONE MORE! I could totally run back and stop the procedure! Fourth baby, here we come!
7. Do we even have frozen peas? I wonder how painful this really is for him. Will he need a wheelchair? Can he even make it upstairs? I should have researched this more! I think we have some peas in the freezer somewhere. They’re probably buried behind the ice cream sandwiches. Great, now I’m craving a snack.
8. No, no, no. Our family is complete. I mean, I think so, right? He must be done by now, so I should feel good about this. We have three wonderful kids who sleep through the night, and I can’t face those sleepless nights again. Three is plenty! I had to buy a minivan! I’m no Duggar. So yes, we’re definitely done. For sure.
9. Yes, they were sleepless nights. I had to remind myself of that. Yes, they were.

In short, the journey of my husband’s vasectomy has stirred up a lot of emotions for me. While I’m relieved about the end of our baby-making days, I can’t help but ponder the “what-ifs.” If you’re curious about the process of home insemination, check out this blog post. For more on fertility supplements, visit Make a Mom. And if you want to dive deeper into the subject, here’s an informative Wikipedia page on artificial insemination.