Ghosting is the act of abruptly cutting off communication in a personal relationship without explanation. I had no idea what this term meant until I separated from my ex-husband. The first man I dated afterward seemed wonderful—until one day, he vanished without a trace. The emotional fallout was intense; it was a harsh introduction to the complexities of dating. However, the pain I experienced in that situation paled in comparison to the anguish my young son faced when his biological father disappeared from his life.
When I left my husband, I was somewhat naive. I was acutely aware of the toxic environment of our marriage, filled with manipulation and control, yet I clung to the belief that my son was still a priority for his father. I envisioned a co-parenting arrangement where we would put our son first, remarry, and support each other as we raised him. I truly believed in this ideal until the day his father vanished completely.
He resurfaced only to plead with me to relinquish his parental rights. He bombarded not only me but also my family and attorney, before disappearing again, leaving a 5-year-old boy in confusion and despair. A little boy who loved his “Daddy” dearly.
The ensuing months were grueling. My son suffered from night terrors, often crying out for me in the dead of night, screaming, “Daddy, don’t go!” as he thrashed and hit me while I held him tightly. It was heart-wrenching. We spent countless afternoons in therapy, attempting to help him process the emotional turmoil and grief. Each session involved retelling our painful story, leading to my own breakdowns in the hallway, overwhelmed by the weight of this new reality.
The impact on me was severe; I developed post-traumatic stress disorder and my anxiety morphed into a debilitating panic disorder. A ringtone associated with his father would send me spiraling into panic attacks. Even the doorbell was a trigger, making me fear it was him at the door. I began to carry medication everywhere, anticipating moments when I would be unable to cope.
Life was suffused with sadness—not just mine, but my son’s as well. One day, while outside, he asked, “Does Daddy love his girlfriend more than me? Is that why he won’t come around?” How do you respond to such heart-stopping questions? It’s a burden no child should bear.
In the wake of his father’s absence, my son began to harbor resentment toward me, turning friends and family against me. Initially, I was too exhausted from the divorce to combat this, but eventually, those around us began to recognize the truth. I had to navigate a tricky landscape where my son was still loved by his paternal family but abandoned by his father. Thankfully, we have since repaired that relationship, and they are now part of my son’s life, though it took a toll on us all.
My fear lingered that his father might reappear at any moment. He had disappeared once before, and the day he left was the same date a year later when he knocked on my door wanting to see our child. I couldn’t subject my son to that pain again.
We made every effort to maintain consistency in his life. Teachers and counselors were informed of our situation and provided vital support, monitoring my son’s emotional state and helping with any rough days stemming from his night terrors or a troubled night’s sleep.
As the months passed, my son began to reclaim his childhood, free from the emotional burden he had been carrying. My boyfriend of two years, who had been a steadfast support through all of this, moved in. To our surprise, he began to call him “Papa” and even referred to him as “basically my stepdad.”
We maintained connections with my son’s paternal family, ensuring he had a relationship with them despite his father’s absence. We lived our lives as normal as possible, just without his biological father present.
Today, I am far more aware and realistic than I was three years ago. In February, exactly one year after his father last communicated with him, a judge granted my petition to terminate his parental rights, granting me sole custody.
Father’s Day brings its own emotional complexities, and each year I hope his biological father reflects on the son he left behind. My son, however, is moving forward, surrounding himself with the positive male figures who have stepped in to fill the void left by an unloving father—men who swim with him in the summer, attend his soccer games, and teach him to fish. He is enveloped in love and support, and he will be alright.
Recently, as we drove to his last day of school, he spoke about Father’s Day, sharing that they practiced writing cards like they did for Mother’s Day. He told me his card said, “I love my daddy because daddy loves me.” My heart sank. He had always referred to his father as “Daddy.” I quickly redirected the conversation, asking if we should also make a card for Papa since he’s “like a dad.” Then, my heart swelled as my son declared, “But Momma, Papa is my daddy. The card is for him.”
In the end, my son is creating his own narrative, one filled with love and acceptance, far from the pain of abandonment.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the emotional turmoil experienced by a mother whose son was abandoned by his father, detailing the effects of ghosting on both mother and child. Through therapy and support from a loving partner, the son gradually learns to cope and redefine his understanding of family, ultimately finding love and acceptance in new relationships.