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9 Lessons Happy Couples Share with Their Kids About Healthy Relationships
The other day, my four-year-old, Max, asked me to join him for a game while I was busy frying potatoes and calming the baby. Naturally, I agreed, though with a forced cheerfulness that masked my irritation. I often find myself snapping at him during these moments, especially when he requests elaborate costume ideas like Subway Worker/Spider or Ice-Powered Knight. I realized I need to be more patient, especially when he’s just trying to connect with me.
Playing Qwirkle while managing dinner proved more challenging than anticipated. When Max asked me to make my move for the third time, I lost my cool and said, “Do you know how hard it is to cook and play at the same time?” Of course, he doesn’t—he’s never cooked before. I worried that I might be teaching him that asking for attention could lead to frustration.
Everyone knows couples who turn every dinner into a scene from a dramatic play. What about their kids? Are they learning that sarcasm and criticism are normal in relationships? I turned to Dr. Emily Jones, a therapist trained by the Gottman Institute, to explore how happy couples set a positive example for their children. Here are the key takeaways:
- Responding to Bids for Attention
Dr. John and Julie Gottman highlight “bids for attention,” which are small gestures or remarks seeking connection. For instance, if my partner says, “I learned something interesting today,” I can either engage, ignore, or respond negatively. The research shows happy couples turn toward each other 86% of the time, while unhappy ones do so only 33%. - Politely Postponing Attention Requests
As a busy mom, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. I need to learn to say, “I can’t listen right now, but I’m all ears after lunch,” without the hint of annoyance. - Managing Overwhelm Gracefully
Juggling parenting and work can lead to stress, but it’s crucial not to take it out on loved ones. Learning to cope with pressure is vital, and I should remember that my frustrations shouldn’t affect my relationship with Max. - Repairing After Negative Responses
If I respond poorly to Max’s requests, an apology can go a long way. I told him I was sorry for snapping during our game and promised to play later. - Cultivating a Culture of Appreciation
Dr. Jones emphasizes the importance of verbally acknowledging what we value in each other. Simple compliments like “Great dinner!” or “Thanks for handling the kids’ teachers” foster a positive environment. - Being Socially Engaged
It’s essential to be aware of who your teenagers are dating. Inviting their friends over and being involved helps them establish healthy boundaries and expectations in relationships. - Rejecting Contempt
The Gottmans identified contempt as a significant predictor of divorce. Children pick up on these behaviors, and if they witness disrespect at home, they may believe it’s acceptable in their relationships. - Understanding Humor’s Boundaries
Sarcasm can be a thinly veiled form of contempt. Jokes that humiliate or belittle are harmful, even if they seem lighthearted. - Creating Your Own Family Culture
It’s easy to fall into traditional roles, but discussing and negotiating family dynamics is crucial for a healthy relationship. Couples must actively shape their family’s culture, leaving behind outdated expectations.
If you’re interested in more insightful posts on parenting and relationships, check out this article on our blog. For those considering home insemination options, Make a Mom provides expert resources. Additionally, the March of Dimes is an invaluable resource for understanding pregnancy week by week.
In summary, happy couples teach their children the importance of communication, respect, and appreciation in relationships. By modeling these behaviors, parents can help their kids build healthy connections in the future.