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Anti-Angst: Teens Aren’t All Terrible
In my 15 years of parenting, the most frequent unsolicited advice I’ve encountered has been the dreaded “just wait.” Friends with tweens and teens would often see me enjoying life with my little ones and caution me, “They’re sweet now, just you wait.” They’d invariably share horror stories about the universal behaviors that I, too, had once exhibited. “Just wait until they…” start talking back… hide their grades… lie… slam doors… call you the worst parent ever. I dreaded the thought of my kids turning into little terrors, but since I had my rebellious phase (and according to my mother-in-law, my husband was once the King of Teenage Jerks), I reluctantly accepted this narrative.
As my kids grew older and showed no signs of this expected rebellion, the warnings became louder and more intense. The most vocal parents were those with difficult, disconnected, or troubled teens. They’d shout from the rooftops, insisting my happy and well-adjusted kids would soon morph into something akin to Traci Lords or Lyle Menendez. “Just wait until middle school when they…” sneak out, get suspended, try drugs, get arrested, insist on wearing thongs, and engage in wild antics on the school bus. WHAT. THE. HECK!?
Part of me realized that these parents were trying to normalize their children’s misbehavior to ease their own guilt or feelings of isolation. But mostly, I felt compassion for those kids. How can kids make healthy choices when their parents expect them to mess up? What kind of self-esteem can they have when their own moms and dads share their mistakes on social media as lessons for others?
I refused to believe that some magical age would transform my child into a monster. I grew tired of being told to prepare for the worst based on the experiences of a select few children reacting to their individual upbringings. We’re not all the same. Our kids are not all the same.
Take my experience: my teenagers have yet to become drug-addicted troublemakers. Stop trying to make me feel like a disaster is imminent—and that if it doesn’t happen, something must be wrong with my kid. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard parents say, “I’d rather my kid be the bully than the socially awkward nerd.” One is not the opposite of the other.
Let’s stop promoting the idea that every teenager must be angsty and uncommunicative. As parents, we hold our breath waiting for the inevitable tough days, but in doing so, we unintentionally plant these ideas in our kids’ minds. Teens shouldn’t feel weird about having a solid relationship with their parents. We shouldn’t feel odd about being friends with our teens. Who else do we expect them to confide in?
Stop telling me to abandon the hope of being both my child’s friend and mother. Those roles can coexist. It’s entirely possible to enjoy my kids’ company and have a close relationship.
I’m done waiting for the worst. I choose kindness, openness, and honesty with my teens, and so far, they’ve reciprocated. I respect them, provide healthy guidance, warn them about potential mistakes, and help them understand consequences. I genuinely laugh at their jokes and listen to their long, sometimes confusing stories about friends, school, and their favorite YouTubers. I keep their secrets and support their dreams.
They’ve been my best friends since they were born, and regardless of any bumps in the road ahead, I believe we’ll remain friends for life. Just you wait.
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Summary
The article emphasizes that not all teenagers must go through rebellious phases. The author reflects on their experiences as a parent, advocating for positive relationships with teens rather than accepting negative stereotypes. It encourages parents to foster open communication and support with their children.