Laundry and College in 7 Simple Steps

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Hey there! So, I just got off the phone with your dad, and apparently, you think I neglected to teach you the art of laundry. While you may see it as a parental oversight, trust me, it was by design. For the past 18 years, I’ve been washing your clothes so you could focus on bigger priorities—like studying for exams, building your resume, and leveling up on that Kim Kardashian: Hollywood game.

But since you’re heading off to the dorms tomorrow, it’s time for a crash course. Here’s a straightforward guide to get you started:

1. Check Labels: First things first, take a look at the labels on your fancy clothes. Do any say “dry clean only”? If they do, set those aside. But wait—who are we kidding? Dry cleaning is expensive! Maybe we should just donate those items instead and take the tax write-off. We need all the cash we can get for your college expenses!
2. Separate Colors: Next, sort your clothes by color. Dark shades—like blues, blacks, and purples—go into one pile. Reds, oranges, and pinks? That’s another pile, your red pile. And whites? They get their own little space. If you decide to mix reds and whites, be prepared to relive your five-year-old self with an all-pink wardrobe!
3. Washing Time: Ready to wash? Start by tossing the dark pile into the machine. Set the dial to cold water, then choose a wash cycle—permanent press or whatever sounds good. Pour in a capful of detergent (or less, because let’s face it, detergent isn’t cheap), and turn the machine on. Just pull a knob or push a button—whatever works!
4. Drying: Once the cycle ends (you’ll know when the machine stops dancing), it’s time to sort again. Take out those short shorts—you don’t want them to shrink further! Hang dry anything delicate using hooks, chairs, or even your bunk bed. Remember, you’ve got roommates now, so be considerate! Don’t leave food lying around; that’ll invite ants and other unwelcome guests. And hey, if they’re being annoying, speak up! You’re living in close quarters, after all.
5. Repeat for Reds: Now, for the red load, follow steps 3 and 4 again. If you’re running low on machines, you can toss the reds in with the darks, but honestly, with the tuition you’re paying, there better be enough machines around! And remember, you’re a paying customer at your college—if classes aren’t what you expected, don’t hesitate to make some noise. You don’t want to end up in a class about “The Films of Jean-Claude Van Damme.”
6. Whites Are Next: For your whites, switch the water to hot. Repeat steps 3 and 4, but add a splash of bleach (about half a cup) to that little compartment at the top. Speaking of hot water, remember, your main job is to get that education first! Keep your priorities straight: school, work, then fun. And for the love of everything, don’t be the wildest partygoer out there—stick with safe choices.
7. Drying Time: Finally, those items that can go in the dryer? Combine them into one load. Set the dial to medium or low heat—no need to dry them on high; you don’t want to feel like you’ve gained the Freshman 15 already!

So, there you have it! Wash your towels every few days and your sheets once a week or two—just don’t push it to three weeks; that’s kinda gross. Maybe pick up some dryer sheets while you’re at it. And remember, have fun! You’re going to look back on these days fondly.

Love you lots!

P.S. If you’re interested in more about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource from Healthline.

Summary

This guide provides a light-hearted yet practical approach to learning laundry basics before heading off to college. It covers essential steps like checking labels, sorting clothes, washing cycles, and drying methods, all while emphasizing the importance of prioritizing education and being considerate of roommates.