How to Assemble Ikea Furniture in 35 Simple Steps

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Let’s face it: buying Ikea furniture is a lot like parenting. No matter how challenging it gets, many of us willingly dive back in for more. We convince ourselves that this time will be different, that this furniture assembly won’t test our patience or our relationships.

So, here’s a little secret to help your next Ikea adventure go a bit smoother (and keep you happily married): start after the kids are asleep. With a fresh perspective and an eagerness to accomplish something, you can tackle that furniture.

1. Take a quick look at the instructions.
2. If your partner asks if you have a plan, chuckle and say, “Of course! Even a monkey could do this.”
3. Begin by fitting the dowel rods together.
4. Think smugly to yourself, “This will only take me 20 minutes, and then I’ll have time to watch my favorite show.”
5. Fix the first nut in place and insert the bolt.
6. Try turning the bolt with your fingernail. Ouch! Repeat until your nail breaks.
7. Grab some pliers to hold the nut steady (just like the instructions say).
8. While you hold the nut, use the Allen wrench to tighten the bolt. Watch in horror as the bolt slips and falls to the floor.
9. Use your right foot to hold the pliers in place.
10. With one hand, try to hold the bolt in its hole while twisting the Allen wrench with the other.
11. Consider calling for backup (or a monkey).
12. Reluctantly let your partner help, since they believe feet shouldn’t be used for tools—unless you’re a monkey.
13. Watch as they “assist,” only for the Allen wrench to slip, causing everything to come apart.
14. Briefly fantasize about throwing the whole thing out the window.
15. Think to yourself, “Allen, wherever you are, I will find you and I will make you pay!”
16. Take a breather with a glass of wine and search online for “who invented the Allen wrench.”
17. Discover the inventor has passed away—well, that’s one less task on your to-do list.
18. Curse his name (seriously, Allen) and hope he’s stuck in purgatory assembling furniture forever.
19. Get back to the assembly.
20. Realize there’s no hole for the bolt in the last step.
21. Grab a hammer and nails from your toolbox—because hitting things is oddly satisfying.
22. Notice how if you screw the bolts too tight, the wood splits like it’s made of paper. Even the faintest breeze might do the trick. But the moment you try to make a new hole, the wood stands firm like the Great Wall.
23. Say, “Forget this!” and have another glass of wine while contemplating how quickly it could all go up in flames.
24. Resort to power tools, even though the instructions say not to.
25. If you don’t have power tools, head to the store for some (and don’t forget more wine).
26. Hand the power tools to your partner, who is now cursing the CEO of Ikea and wishing them a similar fate in purgatory.
27. Enjoy another glass of wine while you watch.
28. Finally, your partner drills the hole and attaches the last piece.
29. Realize there was already a hole for the bolt, and the piece is on backwards.
30. Observe your partner’s transformation into a laser-eyed monster, channeling their inner Zuul.
31. Sip another glass of wine.
32. Head to bed, vowing never to buy Ikea furniture again.
33. Wake up the next month and do it all over again.

And there you have it! The secret weapon for surviving Ikea assembly? wine. Cheers to you, and see you at the store!

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Summary

Assembling Ikea furniture can feel daunting, often leading to frustration and a bit of humor in the process. By starting after the kids are asleep and having a glass of wine or two, you can make the experience a little more bearable. Remember, patience and perhaps a partner’s help can go a long way—even when it feels like you’re doing it all backwards!