If BabyCenter Newsletters Were Truthful

Ah, the nursery is all spruced up, your hospital bag is neatly packed, and you’ve signed up for the BabyCenter newsletter. Those newsletters! A weekly influx of info for parents who might already be drowning in advice. But let’s be honest, who really needs guidance at this pivotal moment? Not the fully grown adults with their developed brains; it’s the little ones who just arrived and are still figuring out how to inhale that could use a few pointers!

1 Week…

For now, your parents still have a hint of energy in their eyes, but that will soon shift to weary exhaustion when they’re alone, putting on a brave face for guests who come by to poke your belly and compare your features to theirs.

Overheard: “Your mom just said, ‘Oh my! She has my chin!’ Seriously? If she does, brace yourself for some seriously passive-aggressive eye rolling.” – Dad

1 Month…

You’re still getting the hang of this breathing thing, which is a wild concept. Your head, which was a bit squished from making its way into the world, is slowly returning to normal. Enormous beings—your parents—will lift you up and swing you around while singing nonsensical songs. Despite the chaos, they seem baffled as to why you’re crying, even going so far as to label you as “colicky.” Just hang tight—things are about to get even weirder.

Overheard: “Why can’t she stop crying? I just don’t get it. Hand me that thermometer. We need to check her temp.” – Mom

2 Months…

Enjoy those peaceful moments lying in your crib, soaking in the sights of your mobile (you won’t believe how season 2 wraps up!), because soon enough, your parents will start enforcing “Tummy Time.” Despite the cute name, it feels more like a gentle form of torture. You’ll be sprawled on a blanket while they scroll through their phones. And if that’s not enough fun, get ready for gas drops—because apparently, that’s what makes baby life better.

Overheard: “Look! She smiled at me! Must be because I put those cute little socks on her. Cold feet and all!” – Aunt Lisa

6 Months…

Did you know that during peek-a-boo when Dad’s hands cover his face, he’s still there? Crazy, right? This thing called “object permanence” is about to blow your mind. You’ll start to test the limits of everything by grabbing and tossing whatever you can find. Remember, everything is a potential snack, including that “cereal” your parents are munching on while you’re eyeing the iPad like it’s dessert.

Overheard: “Yesterday, she nibbled on my phone, and today she tried to bite the cat. What is with this oral fixation? Pass the wine.” – Mom

1 Year…

Congratulations! You’ve made it a whole trip around the sun. To mark the occasion, a colorful, frosting-covered cake will be placed in front of you while everyone you know sings and stares. Oh, and they’ll light it on fire! After a moment of panic, your parents will blow it out, and you might be encouraged to shove your face into the cake. Just so you know, they’ll laugh, but later on, you’ll be told to stay away from sugar!

Overheard: “She has no idea what’s happening! Just give it to her! Look at her face!” – Grandma, who definitely had her share of cake.

2 Years…

The trauma of birth will start to fade, and you’ll realize you’re the star of the show now. You deserve all the attention and everything your heart desires. If things don’t go your way, make sure everyone knows it! Throw a little tantrum, flail around, and remind them who’s in charge. You’re the boss now, and it’s all about you moving forward!

Overheard: “I get it! I think it’s time for another one.” – Dad

In conclusion, the early days of parenting may seem overwhelming, but they’re filled with moments of joy, laughter, and a few surprises along the way. If you’re curious to learn more about the ins and outs of home insemination, check out our post on how to navigate this journey. For additional insights, IVF Babble is a fantastic resource, and to explore fertility kits, Make A Mom offers reliable information.