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Stop Telling Me How to Feel About Not Having a Daughter
“Just be thankful you have two healthy kids.”
“Well, you can always try for a girl.”
“Gender is just a social construct. Just enjoy your kids, whatever parts they have.”
“It’s unfair to your sons to wish for a daughter.”
These are just a few of the comments I hear whenever I express even a hint of sadness over not having a daughter.
I have two amazing sons and I’ve decided not to have more children. This is my family, and I love them dearly. My affection for them runs deep; they are my everything. I wouldn’t change a thing about them, including their gender. They are perfect just as they are, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
Honestly, I shouldn’t even need to justify that. It would take a truly awful person to wish their sons were someone else or wished they were a different sex. And I’m aware that a child’s gender identity can differ from their assigned sex at birth. My boys currently seem quite “boyish,” but who knows what the future holds? Gender is a fluid concept, and I’m open to whatever my sons may identify as down the line.
But here’s the thing: I’m not talking about what-ifs or maybes. I’m addressing my feelings. Sometimes, despite all logic, I find myself wishing I had a daughter. It’s a raw, heartfelt longing that I have every right to feel. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about it. As long as I keep my emotions in check and don’t project any guilt onto my sons, it’s all good.
I often wonder why people react so strongly to gender disappointment. I feel the need to tiptoe around the subject, apologize, or, more commonly, suppress my feelings. But whether you have all girls wishing for a son, or all boys wishing for a daughter, those emotions are valid and completely normal.
Most days, I don’t even think about my lack of daughters. I’m too busy navigating the chaos of parenting. Yes, my sons’ boyish antics add flavor to the mix, but it’s not something I constantly dwell on.
Then there are days when I feel a pang of yearning. Maybe it’s when I see a mother braiding her daughter’s hair at the park or a mom and daughter strolling side-by-side. In those moments, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have a daughter of my own. Sometimes that thought hits me like a gut punch.
Typically, this longing fades, but occasionally it lingers. Imagining guiding a daughter through puberty or witnessing her become a mother herself can be pretty emotional. Those thoughts can really tug at my heartstrings.
But guess what? I’m an adult, and I can handle it. My feelings are mine to own, and I’m entitled to feel whatever I feel about not having a daughter. I can experience complex emotions—imagine that!
I should also be free to express my feelings without a barrage of unsolicited advice.
So, to address the questions and concerns:
Yes, I’m grateful for my two healthy children—every single day!
No, I’m not going to “try” for a girl. I’m done having kids, and frankly, the idea of “trying” for a specific gender is just folklore.
Yes, I understand gender is a construct, but we live in a society that acknowledges gender, and it’s natural to have feelings about whether your children are boys or girls. I’m only human.
And no, wanting a daughter doesn’t diminish my love for my sons. It doesn’t negate their existence or value in my life. Period.
I wish we lived in a world where parents could share their nuanced emotions without judgment. Usually, I keep my feelings close to the vest or only share them with trusted friends. But I’ve had to deal with comments from strangers in grocery store checkout lines and relatives offering unsolicited condolences and advice. It feels like I’m expected to feel no regrets about not having a daughter, lest I be labeled a selfish mess for experiencing a touch of gender disappointment.
I’m done with all that nonsense. I’m a proud boy-mom who loves her sons deeply while occasionally wishing for a daughter. It’s as simple as that—no over-explanations needed, no guilt required. Just living life and feeling all the feels.
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In summary, it’s perfectly normal to have mixed feelings about not having a daughter while also loving the children you do have. Emotions are complex, and it’s okay to express them without fear of judgment.