Why the Notion of ‘Purity’ Can Be Harmful When Discussing Sex with Kids

Someone once asked me, “How can I teach my kids about sex so they remain ‘pure’ until marriage? Any tips?” This question is a lot trickier than it sounds.

A Painful Example

Let’s take a look at a painful example: In June 2002, 14-year-old Mia Johnson was kidnapped from her home in a quiet neighborhood. For months, she endured horrific abuse at the hands of her captor. Years later, Mia spoke about the damaging lessons she learned about “purity.” She said she felt like a used piece of chewing gum, discarded and worthless. “I thought, ‘If I’m that chewed-up gum, then who would want me?’” It’s heartbreaking to think that anyone could feel such a loss of worth.

While the extreme experience of someone like Mia is rare, sexual assault is unfortunately all too common, with statistics showing that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 10 men will face it at some point in their lives. If children are raised to equate their self-worth with their sexual experiences, they might feel utterly lost if they ever face assault or make choices they later regret.

Exploring Sexuality

Of course, you might hope your kids will wait until marriage to have sex, but what if they decide to explore their sexuality? You may not agree with their choices, but you certainly don’t want them to carry the emotional baggage of shame for years. Nobody wants their life to feel like the soundtrack of a gloomy Nine Inch Nails album, right?

The Psychological Impact of Purity

Moreover, the focus on “purity” can be psychologically damaging even for those who don’t experience assault or have premarital sex. There’s a stark transition from “stay pure!” to “now it’s totally fine to have sex.” Samantha Pugsley wrote about her experience in a Salon article, sharing that on her wedding night, she felt confused and ashamed instead of joyful. Her virginity had become such a core part of her identity that she struggled to figure out who she was without it.

Providing Age-Appropriate Education

So what’s the best approach? Start by providing your children with age-appropriate, accurate sex education. This doesn’t mean teaching a toddler about everything under the sun, but they should know proper names for body parts and understand their right to say no to unwanted touch. As they get older, gradually introduce more complex topics.

Think of it like teaching a teenager to drive: you don’t just say driving is bad and sinful. Instead, you explain that it’s fun but comes with risks, and they need to be responsible before getting behind the wheel.

Encouraging a Healthy Perspective

Instead of instilling a sense of impurity, help your kids view sex as something enjoyable, fulfilling, and exciting, but also recognize that it carries responsibilities and potential hazards. Make it clear that you’ll always be there for them, regardless of their choices.

For more insights into navigating these tough conversations, check out this excellent resource. And if you’re interested in the technical side of insemination, visit Cryobaby’s home intracervical insemination kit for more information.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it’s crucial to foster open, honest dialogues about sex and self-worth with our children, rather than scaring them into submission with outdated notions of purity.