When my kids were little, carving out some alone time felt nearly impossible. The idea of using the bathroom without an audience was a fantasy, and a couple of quiet hours at home seemed like a distant dream.
However, as the years have gone by, I’ve found myself with more time to spend solo. And when I say “alone time,” I don’t mean the late-night trips to Target while everyone else is asleep, or the frantic hours spent in my office rushing to meet deadlines. I mean true, uninterrupted solitude—at home, sans kids, partner, or work.
In the beginning, having time to myself felt awkward. I’d wander aimlessly around the house, humming to myself, “This is not my beautiful life…” But as my children have matured, I’ve honed my skills at maximizing this precious alone time. What once felt like an extravagant treat has now become a well-deserved necessity.
So, whether you’re new to enjoying alone time or just need a little refresher, here’s a step-by-step guide to savoring an hour of solitude at home:
- Step inside without your kids or partner.
- Wonder about the peculiar sounds around you.
- Realize it’s the blissful sound of silence.
- Decide that silence is overrated and blast the music. Loud. Really loud. Like, shake the walls loud.
- Sing along for about 30 seconds until your throat starts to hurt and your head begins to throb.
- Acknowledge that you can’t handle loud music like you used to.
- Turn off the music and collapse onto the couch.
- Reach for the remote.
- Discover that the remote is mysteriously missing.
- Search high and low—under the couch, between cushions, and even in the fridge—while muttering to yourself about your kids’ remote-losing skills.
- Finally find it next to the TV.
- Flop back on the couch and power on the television.
- Exhale deeply in relief.
- Begin flipping through channels, only to remember you need to pee (even though it feels like you just went).
- Let out a frustrated sigh as you drag yourself off the couch.
- Glance at the clock and calculate how much time you have left before the chaos returns.
- Rush to the bathroom—door open, of course—and hurry back to the couch.
- Aimlessly scroll through channels before landing on reruns of 90210.
- Drift off while the students of Beverly Hills High chant, “Donna Martin graduates!”
- Jolt awake, panicking about “wasting time” and pondering something “productive” to do.
- Consider tackling the pantry, organizing the closet, or vacuuming the minivan.
- Realize there’s no way you’ll finish any of those tasks before the kids return, so why bother?
- Grab your phone instead.
- Scroll through Facebook, liking adorable photos while rolling your eyes at the overly boastful posts.
- Text your best friend to gossip about the latest humblebrag on social media.
- Contemplate calling your mom.
- Decide a shower sounds way more enjoyable.
- Stay in the shower until the hot water runs out.
- Treat yourself to a couple of extra minutes with lukewarm water just because you can.
- Remember you only have five minutes left before the kids come home.
- Throw on yesterday’s yoga pants and a somewhat clean shirt.
- Rush around the house, hiding any evidence of your solo hour, including an empty coffee mug and candy wrappers.
- Wonder why time alone flies by so much faster than time spent with kids.
- Briefly reminisce about life before kids and realize you actually miss those little rascals who bring both noise and joy.
- Open the door with a smile and arms wide, ready to embrace your lively children.
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Summary: Finding an hour of alone time at home can be a delightful escape from the daily chaos of parenting. By following these 35 humorous steps, you can relish your solitude, whether it’s blasting music, catching up on shows, or indulging in a long shower—all while preparing to welcome your kids back with open arms.