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My Kids Are Lice-Free, But What If They Weren’t?
I’m absolutely certain my kids don’t have lice because, as I’ve learned from countless reality shows, only the most unkempt kids fall victim to these little critters. My friend, a pediatrician, would argue otherwise—likely because her child has had an unfortunate encounter with lice. She prides herself on being tidier than I am, and she probably is. But let’s be honest: dirty kids equal lice, right?
However, if my children were to discover a lice infestation just two days into our family vacation, here’s what I would glean from the experience:
- Lice Math
Four little ones + three lice = four sets of bedding + must-have stuffed animals = 231 items that desperately need laundering, and I don’t even have access to my own washing machine. - Prosecco
No amount of prosecco can help you survive this chaotic ordeal. Why didn’t we stock up when we passed that liquor store in the tax-free zone? Oh my goodness! I absolutely need more prosecco. - Lice Treatments
No one at the local Walmart will bat an eye at the lice treatment in your shopping cart. But honestly, you might find yourself judging the contents of their carts instead. - The Itch
The itch is relentless! It feels like it will never end. - Tiny Combs
You’ll slather some gooey treatment into your child’s hair and then spend what feels like an eternity meticulously combing through 24 inches of hair with minuscule metal combs. Is this what hell looks like? Where’s my prosecco? Did anyone purchase chardonnay? Who was responsible for grocery shopping on this trip?! Don’t they stock prosecco next to lice combs and treatments at Walmart? Seriously, I thought I lived in America. - Judgment
One of the kids will clearly be “patient zero.” You’ll unleash a torrent of scornful references to Typhoid Mary as a means of silencing her whining during each torture session with the tiny comb. She has cursed us all. No one dares sit in her car seat. Absolutely not. - Old Eyes
How on earth you ever spotted the first louse remains a mystery, but now you can’t see a thing. Is there a magnifying glass at Walmart? Because, let’s face it, there should be—right next to the tiny combs and prosecco. - Blow Drying
You’ll be advised to blow-dry your kids’ hair every other day for eternity. This is despite the fact that you haven’t had a moment to fully dry your own hair in the last eight years. Apparently, heat kills lice. Well, blow drying seven square feet of hair for three hours a day might just kill your will to live. If you haven’t gotten prosecco yet, feel free to indulge in those Hershey’s bars you bought for s’mores around the campfire on this miserable vacation. Blame it on Typhoid Mary when the s’mores supplies run low. - Fair-Weather Friends
Upon your rushed return home, you’ll face a 50/50 chance of having playdates and birthday invitations rescinded. One friend might suggest, “How about in two, um, three weeks?” Meanwhile, another will call after hearing your voicemail, exclaiming, “Oh my gosh! My nanny just informed me that she found lice in Mary’s hair too! I can’t drive because I’m itching so badly! Wait, there’s a liquor store and CVS. I need to pull over.” Surprisingly, she’ll still agree to the playdate. - You’ve Gained Nothing
When that lice-stricken friend’s acceptance of the playdate comes through, you’ll pause to ponder whether you actually want to go through with it… because, well… lice. So dirty.
In conclusion, wash every sheet in sight, stockpile more prosecco, grab a tiny metal comb, and procure some Permethrin shampoo (as advised by my friend). Then, it’s all about combing, combing, and blow-drying every other day, forevermore, amen.
And if you’re searching for a silver lining—or if that tiny metal comb doesn’t reflect enough light—consider this: one site suggests viewing the nit-picking as an opportunity for quality bonding time with your child. I see it more as an excuse to consume more prosecco, but what do I know? My kids are lice-free! But perhaps yours aren’t. No judgment here, promise.
Okay, fine. You caught me. My kids might have lice. Have a Hershey’s Bar.