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15 Pointless Phrases Parents Often Use
My father had a saying that always baffled me: “You can poop in your cooking pot, but eventually, you’ll have to eat from it.” While I get the underlying message—what goes around comes around—it’s one of the most ridiculous expressions I’ve ever come across. After all, why would I want to eat something I’ve just soiled? Even survivalists on shows like Naked and Afraid wouldn’t go that far, even when starving for weeks.
One of the perks of having young children is that they lack the vocabulary to challenge our silly phrases. Their language skills are shaped by what we say at home and what they watch on Sprout. Plus, let’s face it—most kids aren’t really paying attention anyway.
For years, I never really grasped my dad’s expression, and even now, at the not-so-young age of “not-27-anymore,” it still doesn’t make much sense. As a parent, I’ve discovered that many common phrases we use are pretty useless. Often, we substitute these phrases to avoid saying something more inappropriate, like “What is that awful smell under your bed?” instead of the more colorful “What the heck died in here?” We don’t even need to know what “Oh my word” means; it’s just a placeholder.
Here are 15 of my least-favorite phrases parents often use:
- You KNOW.
No, they don’t, and honestly, neither do you. This is just a dumb filler. - Are you kidding me?!
Your toddler spilling an entire bag of flour isn’t a joke. Save this phrase for rhetorical questions that don’t require an answer. - Knock it off!
If you want your child to stop doing something, just say that! This isn’t a magic spell. - I’m done.
You might feel done, but you’re stuck for at least the next 17 years. Toss this in the filler phrase pile and keep cleaning. - WOW!
This is usually said when you’re more frustrated than impressed. You’re not happy; you’re just out of words. - This is ridiculous!
And yes, it usually is. But your child won’t grasp the irony of a cat in the toilet. - You’ve got another think coming.
This is often followed by bedtime drama. Spoiler alert: You’ll both be up all night. - If you’re going to do something, do it right.
Sure, if you’re sweeping, use a broom. But don’t set your homework on fire! - No one ever said life was fair.
True, but it won’t comfort your child when her ice cream cone melts. She just wants to enjoy that cone! - I don’t give a rat’s ass.
Great, but who actually wants a rat’s rear end? - So help me.
Who is this “So,” and what are they helping with? - There’s no such thing as a free lunch.
Tell that to the kids eating free at Famous Dave’s on Tuesdays! - To assume is to make an ass out of you and me.
Useful for both life lessons and spelling. - You can wish in one hand and poop in the other.
Again, why would you want to do that? - If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.
What kid wants nuts for Christmas, anyway?
We could explore countless more phrases, and I’m sure you have your own favorites, either from your own childhood or ones you’ve picked up as a parent. It seems like the older generations had a treasure trove of colorful expressions compared to the “I’m done” or “So help me” we often hear today. Life is full of unfair moments, and it’s tough to communicate that. This is why we fall back on these nonsensical phrases, as they help us express feelings that often go unspoken. Just like parenting, we’re all figuring it out as we go—one day at a time, one rat’s rear at a time.
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Summary
Parents often rely on a mix of outdated, silly phrases to communicate with their kids, many of which are more confusing than helpful. These expressions stem from a desire to maintain decorum and avoid saying something more inappropriate. Ultimately, they reflect the challenges and absurdities of parenting, where we navigate daily messes—literal and figurative—one phrase at a time.