I came across a meme today that resonated with me in a way that made me chuckle. It featured a hefty guy on a surfboard, captioned something like, “When you abandon your diet and just say, ‘Forget it, I’m fat!’” Honestly, they could have used my picture — it felt that relatable.
Society tells me how I should feel about my body: sad, frustrated, and constantly striving for thinness. I should be sitting on the sidelines, watching my daughter play as I struggle to keep up. I’m expected to have a lightbulb moment in a grocery store, inspired by the latest fitness magazine to join a gym and transform my life, blogging about my journey to become a “thinspiration” for others.
But when the world tries to impose these feelings on me, I get rebellious. Instead of feeling defeated, I’m choosing to be someone’s FATspiration. Here’s my path to self-acceptance or whatever you want to label it.
Early Realizations
I didn’t always feel this way. It was in third grade when it first hit me that I was different. Maybe it was a comment from a peer or an offhand remark from a family member. I was observant enough to notice my classmates, and it dawned on me — I was heavier than them.
Throughout elementary school, I thought I’d eventually “grow out of it.” In junior high, I was slightly slimmer but still felt inadequate. At 5-foot-2 and around 135 pounds, I was within a normal range, yet I compared myself to the “popular girls” and felt self-conscious about my body. That’s when I began experimenting with fasting, and my inner critic started its relentless chatter.
High School Struggles
High school was a rollercoaster for my weight. I oscillated between feeling dissatisfied and accepting my body enough to wear what I had. Thankfully, I attended a small school where bullying was minimal. My sharp tongue and self-deprecating humor likely kept me off the radar of many bullies, but the harshest critic was always my inner voice.
By graduation, I was in a relationship with someone who would become my first husband, weighing around 165 pounds. I thought I was spiraling out of control and resorted to fasting and pills — a vicious cycle of self-discipline and despair.
Marriage and Self-Doubt
During my first marriage, my weight was a constant source of anxiety. I struggled to understand why my husband was attracted to me, which diminished my desire for intimacy. I would engage in short-lived fitness regimens, lose some weight, and then gain it back. Ultimately, I became trapped in a cycle where my weight consumed my thoughts.
When I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, it explained my struggles, yet it didn’t provide a solution. After a severe ankle injury left me immobile for months, my weight ballooned to 250 pounds by the time I divorced. While my weight wasn’t the sole reason for our separation, I often blamed it for the end of my marriage. Depression set in, leaving me barely able to function, but I masked my pain with a façade of happiness.
A New Beginning
A year after the divorce, I dove into a drastic crash diet, reaching a weight close to my high school figure. Compliments flooded in, and I relished the newfound attention from men. They didn’t need to know that I was subsisting on just 500 calories a day. I enjoyed myself, but deep down, I questioned whether I was truly content. Why wasn’t I ecstatic like those in weight-loss commercials? The self-hatred didn’t vanish; it simply shifted to new insecurities.
Then I met my current husband. Our whirlwind romance led to marriage and the birth of my daughter, a pivotal moment that shifted my perspective. Suddenly, the weight didn’t loom as large in my life. My focus turned to nurturing this new life and my family, leading me to reconsider my definition of happiness. I realized that life is inherently full of challenges, and constant bliss is unrealistic.
Breaking the Cycle
I questioned why I had spent so long waging war against myself. Did I want my daughter to inherit my battles with self-worth? She was already going to face enough pressure from the world, and I didn’t want to add to it. So, I decided to stop the cycle of self-hatred.
I stopped obsessing over diets, the need for exercise, and what size jeans I wore. I let go of my obsession with others’ opinions and the guilt associated with eating. I stopped equating my worth with my size.
Finding Peace
Has the self-doubt disappeared? No, of course not. Am I fully content? No, but I’ve come to understand that happiness is universal, not dictated by appearance. I’ve learned to appreciate life’s positives regardless of the number on the scale. Does this mean I’ll never try to lose weight again? No, I might, but for now, that’s not my main focus.
I know some folks perceive me as lazy or undisciplined, thinking I’m a burden on health resources due to my size. There was a time I would have agreed, but now? I hope my presence challenges their narrow views, and I can enjoy my cheeseburger without a care.
Further Reading
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Summary
This piece explores the author’s journey toward self-acceptance and body positivity after struggling with weight issues throughout her life. She reflects on societal expectations, personal experiences, and the impact of motherhood on her self-image. Ultimately, she embraces a healthier mindset, prioritizing happiness over societal pressures.