It’s 3 a.m., and the baby is wide awake, refusing to go back to sleep. At 4 a.m., someone wet the bed, adding to the chaos. Your 4-year-old spent the night using your ribs as a trampoline, while the baby managed to wake up eight times. Fast forward to 7 a.m., and the kids are stirring, leaving you to face the day in a state of complete exhaustion. You feel like you could pack for a two-week vacation with the bags under your eyes, and the harsh light feels unbearable. The sound of crying sends jolts of pain through your head. You’d trade just about anything—perhaps not your soul, but definitely a minor deity—for the chance to crawl back into bed. But alas, parenting calls.
First things first: get comfortable. Slip into your yoga pants and a cozy T-shirt. A sleep bra is essential to keep everything in check. As for actual clothes? Let’s be real—you’re not going anywhere today. Your place is firmly planted in the chaos that is home.
Next, brew some coffee. While you wait, grab a quick bite—maybe a banana, some Cheerios, or a muffin. You’ll need all the caffeine you can get, but make sure it’s paired with food; otherwise, you might find yourself feeling nauseated from the sheer amount of coffee. So, pace yourself, darling. For every two cups, have a snack to keep you upright.
As the kids wake up, prepare a “picnic” breakfast in front of the TV. Muffins or toast work well—easy and low-mess. If you have a dog, cereal is a great option since they’ll clean up the spills. Don’t forget the drinks—water is your best friend here for easy cleanup—and napkins.
Here’s the deal: I refuse to engage in serious parenting before 9 a.m. on days like this, so you’ve got a guilt-free two hours of screen time. Queue up some “Puffin Rock” or “The Magic School Bus” on Netflix. Let the kids munch on their breakfast while you enjoy a little shut-eye on the couch. They might try to snuggle up to you, but don’t hesitate to relocate to the loveseat. If they persist, suggest they build a pillow fort on the floor. You’ll deal with the cleanup later, but that sweet sleep is worth it.
At 9 a.m., it’s time to step into your parental role, but keep it minimal. Bring out the crayons and stickers—set them up on the living room floor and let them create while you doze off. They’ll interrupt you with their masterpieces, and you’ll say, “Wow! That’s amazing! Tell me about your picture,” even if you can’t tell if it’s a dinosaur or a pile of goo. They’ll excitedly explain it’s a pirate ship, and you’ll encourage them to draw another.
Depending on your kids’ attention spans, your delightful break may last anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half. Once they’re done, it’s time for some quality interaction. Refill your coffee and announce it’s story time. The kids will gather their favorite books, and you can read to them while savoring your caffeine. This way, they’ll feel attended to, and you won’t have to exert yourself too much.
Now it’s time for some free play. Start by pretending to be hibernating bears. When that loses its charm, suggest a game of “Quiet Game” with the incentive of a marshmallow for the winner. Sure, it might not be the best parenting move, but it’s a great survival strategy. Eventually, they’ll tire of this too, and you can let them run wild while you sip your coffee and try to keep it together.
Lunchtime rolls around, and it’s peanut butter and jelly time—an American staple and a survival meal! This filling option keeps them satisfied and prevents an endless stream of snack requests. Just ensure they eat at the table this time, because, let’s face it, peanut butter is messy.
Next up is movie theater time! Pop some popcorn (which you keep on hand for such occasions, right?), dim the lights, and spread out a blanket with pillows. Choose a movie that’s long enough to allow you a little downtime. If it’s short, why not run a double feature? You deserve it.
After that, it’s watercolor time! Set up the paints at the dinner table while you lean against the wall, sipping your coffee. Admire their artistic efforts; you’re a fantastic parent for encouraging creativity! This should keep them occupied for at least half an hour. Once they’re done, it’s cleanup time.
The afternoon has arrived. Chug some coffee to find the strength to sing the cleanup song. Encourage your children to tidy up their mess—do a little singing or gentle threatening to get them motivated. Grab your coffee, lean against the wall, and direct the cleanup efforts. With enough persistence, you’ll all get it done, especially if you lend a hand.
Dinner is a simple pasta dish. While you cook, keep the TV on. Enjoy another picnic-style meal, and don’t turn off the TV until bedtime. After the kids are tucked in, you can either take a shower or go straight to bed. Let’s be real—you’re going to choose sleep. If you’re not exhausted, were you even parenting?
Give yourself a pat on the back. You made it through the day. Tomorrow is another chance to do it all over again.
For more helpful tips on parenting and home insemination, check out this insightful post. Also, if you’re looking into the topic of insemination, Make a Mom is an authority resource. And for an excellent background on fertility processes, you can explore this Wikipedia article.