“I can’t believe I gave my underwear to a nerd.”
~ Inspired by a classic film
Let’s be clear: I’m avoiding the term “underwear” for a good reason.
Studies claim that the average woman owns about 21 pairs of underwear. I stumbled upon this statistic online—where everything is undoubtedly accurate—and I can’t help but think it’s exaggerated. If you’re anything like me (and by that, I mean a late thirty-something who enjoys chocolate chip cookies and has a wardrobe ranging from size 6 to 16), you probably have around 10 decent pairs of underwear and an overflowing stash of relics from various chapters of your life that will never see the light of day again.
Digging through a woman’s underwear drawer can reveal a lot about her life. I can’t disclose how I know this (thanks to a certain agreement), but I’m fairly confident it applies universally.
Don’t believe me? Let’s explore the different stages of a mom’s love life as seen through her underwear drawer.
Stage 1: The Dating Phase
Underwear Status: Thong Time
Theme Song: “She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what…”
You lock eyes with him at a trendy restaurant, and the first thing you notice? His hands—long fingers, smooth palms, and perfectly manicured nails. You remember all the silly jokes about men with big hands. When he reaches for a handshake and you instinctively lean in for a hug, your thong awkwardly shifts, and you silently pray he’s worth the effort you put into your choice of undergarments. He’s undeniably attractive—think Neil Patrick Harris, but ready to explore a connection.
Two weeks later, when he’s doing more than just holding your hand, you realize those rumors might have a kernel of truth to them.
Stage 2: The Wedding Night
Underwear Status: Corset Chaos
Theme Song: “It’s a nice day to start again…”
Your feet ache and your hair is a tangled mess of bobby pins. All you want is to collapse on the hotel bed in sweatpants (welcome to married life!). As you peer into the bathroom mirror, your makeup and half-done hair give you the look of someone who’s just survived a storm. Meanwhile, your new husband is on the bed, devouring the remaining wedding cake. “Are you coming out soon?” he calls, and you can almost see the crumbs falling onto your pillow.
That intricate white corset you envisioned as sultry now feels like a medieval torture device. Instead of slipping into it, you opt for the comfort of a plush robe. When you emerge, he lets out a low whistle, “Hello, beautiful wife.” Who needs lingerie when there’s cake waiting?
Stage 3: Pregnancy
Underwear Status: Baby Bump Briefs
Theme Song: “You’re the woman I love, and I love what’s doing to you…”
You’re calling out every friend who claimed motherhood was a dream. They lied. You’re now navigating a complicated system of positions and strategies just to get it on. After a filling dinner, you lay out your game plan: you’ll do your best to make it happen, but it’s going to take some time and careful maneuvering.
You can almost guarantee that once you finally manage to find comfort, a snack break will be necessary. Yet, somehow, he’s always in.
Stage 4: Postpartum
Underwear Status: Mesh Marvels
Theme Song: “And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire…”
You’re now sporting gauzy underwear that’s oddly comfortable yet humiliating. “Do NOT come any closer for the next month,” you demand. You need space—lots of it—and don’t forget that squirty bottle you left on the counter.
Stage 5: The MILF Era
Underwear Status: Mama’s Back in Action
Theme Song: “She’s a bad mama jama…”
Hello, confidence! Those leopard-print bikinis have you feeling fabulous. A couple of drinks at your favorite bar and you’re ready to reignite the spark with your husband. But just when you think you’re back in the game, that pregnancy test brings the surprise of another little one on the way. Time to revisit Stage 3 with a toddler in tow.
Stage 6: Smoke and Mirrors
Underwear Status: Spanx Struggles
Theme Song: “She’s a brick HOUUUUUSSSSE…”
Remember the days when you could just throw on a dress and your favorite underwear? Yeah, those days seem like a distant memory. Now, it’s all about squeezing into shapewear and meeting the demands of tiny humans. Sometimes, the thought of getting dressed is so exhausting that you’d rather snack than face the challenge.
And when it comes to bedtime, he doesn’t mind your curves, but those high-waisted wonders? They’re a different story. You contemplate a bonfire for all that outdated underwear, but part of you loves to reminisce about days gone by—thongs, weddings, mesh, and pizzazz.
In the end, the journey through your underwear drawer tells a tale of love, laughter, and the beautiful chaos of motherhood.
For more insights into home insemination and the journey to parenthood, check out our resources here and here. For more pregnancy-related information, visit Progyny’s blog.
Summary:
This article humorously examines the evolving nature of a mom’s love life through the contents of her underwear drawer, highlighting the various stages from dating to motherhood. It explores the emotional and physical transitions experienced through these phases, creating a relatable narrative for many women.