Recently, my partner Jake came home from work, brimming with excitement about a case he was handling. He shared that the Ninth Circuit had granted his client’s petition for rehearing, which meant he’d get to argue before eleven judges in San Francisco—quite the achievement! When he asked about my day, I responded, “Oh, it was very productive. I managed to do three loads of laundry, take Leo to speech therapy, bake cookies, and give the baby a bath…”
Lately, I’ve been feeling weighed down by the repetitive nature of my daily tasks. I know I’m expected to express endless joy about my life as a stay-at-home mom. As a so-called “mommy blogger,” I ought to be perfecting my photography to showcase the wonder of my life. But the truth is, I often feel like little more than a servant. It seems like everyone in my household has a constant demand, and most of them aren’t shy about complaining. I find myself in the role of a helper—always listening, always doing for others—but rarely being heard.
Does this sound bitter? Maybe it does.
On one hand, I recognize how fortunate I am to be home raising my children—a privilege not everyone has. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling of questioning my decisions. Sometimes I wonder if they were truly wise.
I recently read Why Have Kids? by Jessica Valenti, and it left me feeling both angry and downcast. The book argues that motherhood is often glorified beyond reality. Can I get an amen? It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows; much of it is exhausting and repetitive. There are beautiful moments, sure, but they’re not the norm. The rewards may only be visible when our children are grown and contributing positively to society—if we’re lucky. Yet, I wonder, when they behave poorly, do we as parents carry that weight?
Valenti suggests that society has deceived mothers into believing that raising children is the most important job. This idea can feel like a trap designed to keep women at home while men continue to lead the way. Even the push for breastfeeding, she argues, can tie women to their homes, limiting their options. I get that. While I’ve always been passionate about breastfeeding, it’s undeniable that formula was created in part to liberate women. Yet, it’s not exactly easy to breastfeed in public, especially in a work environment.
Is motherhood really the pinnacle of importance? It’s akin to saying, “Keeping this house I built—without anyone asking me to—is the most crucial job.” I chose to have these kids; I’m not doing society a favor. Yes, maybe one of my children will grow up to make a significant impact, but let’s be realistic: most will likely lead average lives that don’t leave a lasting legacy.
And seriously, is laundry the best I can manage? Am I truly impressing anyone with my baby-bathing skills?
Motherhood doesn’t showcase my best talents; if anything, it often highlights my shortcomings. I’ve wrestled with these thoughts for some time. It’s challenging to share these feelings without appearing ungrateful or unloving. I love my children deeply—they are my everything. That’s precisely what weighs on me. They are my entire world.
What happened to the person I used to be? I never realized that embracing this role would mean losing my identity. I am a mother, yes, but beyond that, I feel lost.
Sometimes, I think I should have had fewer children or continued working, even part-time. Not only have I lost myself, but I’ve also become financially reliant on Jake—a situation I vowed never to repeat after my previous marriage ended. I sacrificed my earning potential and, having been out of the workforce for ten years, I face the daunting prospect of re-entering it when my youngest finally starts school. By that time, I’ll be in my 50s and likely unqualified for the positions I once held. It’s a frightening thought.
Additionally, what message am I sending my daughters about independence? I worry that I’m not the role model they need, and perhaps my absence from the workforce makes it easy for everyone at home to take me for granted.
The reality is, the notion that women can have it all is a delusion. If you choose to stay home with your children, you often sacrifice independence, earning potential, and even your sense of self. Conversely, if you opt to work outside the home, you’re faced with a relentless juggling act, likely lacking the support needed to excel at either role.
So, here I am, feeling stuck. I can’t be the only one who feels this way, right?
For more insights, you can check out this post on home insemination, which discusses the complexities of parenting decisions. Additionally, if you’re looking for resources regarding artificial insemination, Make a Mom offers an excellent guide on home kits. And for a deeper dive into the science behind fertility, the Genetics and IVF Institute is a fantastic resource.
Summary
This reflection delves into the challenges of motherhood and the pressure to fulfill societal expectations while navigating personal identity. It highlights the sacrifices many women make when choosing to be stay-at-home moms and questions the myth of “having it all.” Through candid thoughts on the monotony of daily tasks, the author grapples with feelings of being undervalued and losing touch with their former self, ultimately recognizing that the belief in balancing everything is often unrealistic.