When I went through my separation at the age of 34, I felt incredibly isolated. I only knew one other divorced individual—a coworker who was much older than me. While some of my close friends stood by my side, many others distanced themselves, leaving me feeling unsupported. Divorce often seems to hit in waves, and now that I’m part of a community of divorced moms, I’ve gathered some insights I wish my friends had grasped back then.
1. Divorce is a Tough Choice
Please refrain from telling me you could never get divorced or asking if I’m absolutely certain about my decision. I’ve read every study and article about the impact of divorce on children, often losing sleep over them. No one enters marriage expecting it to end; we all hope for a happy ending. Just because I don’t share every painful detail doesn’t mean this was an easy choice for me. Remember, life can change rapidly, and you may find yourself in a similar position someday.
2. Divorced Doesn’t Mean Desperate
Forget the stereotypes—divorced women are not on a mission to date every available man. Most of us are focused on our daily responsibilities and healing rather than seeking new relationships. We certainly have no interest in our friends’ partners and don’t want to navigate the complications of someone else’s marriage. However, if you have a charming, smart, single friend who might be a good match, I’m open to that!
3. Co-Parenting is Possible
My ex, Alex, is neither a villain nor an angel. Like many, he simply married the wrong person. We both made mistakes, but I’ve learned to view him as a friend. We’ve successfully celebrated holidays and our children’s milestones together. It may seem unconventional, but setting aside our feelings for our kids’ sake has brought us closer as co-parents.
4. Step-Parents Can Be Wonderful
After our separation, Alex found a partner who has become a loving figure in our children’s lives. I had my own guidelines for introducing my kids to my new partner, and I was initially concerned when Alex introduced our kids to his girlfriend early on. However, she has since become a cherished part of their lives, attending performances and sporting events. Rather than feeling resentment, I see how she has positively influenced Alex, making him a better parent.
5. Divorce Isn’t Contagious
While some studies suggest that divorces in close-knit groups can lead to problems, simply inviting me out for coffee won’t jeopardize your marriage. During my toughest times, many friends distanced themselves, as if my situation was infectious. I felt like a pariah, but to those few who remained supportive, I am grateful. Don’t shy away from a friend dealing with divorce; she likely needs your support now more than ever.
6. The Children Are Thriving
It’s crucial to acknowledge the pain divorce can bring, but my children, aged 5 and 2 at the time of our split, are doing well. They’re well-behaved and have never expressed a desire for us to reconcile. We have consistently ensured that both parents are present for significant events and have shielded them from conflicts. They are learning how to navigate relationships, and I take comfort in knowing they’re developing healthy views on love and respect.
So, the next time you learn about a friend whose marriage has ended, reach out with empathy and support. A simple gesture like a hug, a listening ear, or even a treat can make a world of difference.
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Summary
Divorced moms face unique challenges and misconceptions. They want understanding and support, not judgment. Their experiences reveal that divorce is a difficult choice, that co-parenting can work, and that children can thrive in this new environment. Supportive friends are invaluable during this time, and empathy goes a long way.