Some days, it feels like it’s been an eternity since you left, while other days, it seems like just yesterday I stood by your bedside, watching the nurse in her bright scrubs deliver the words that still echo in my heart: “She’s gone.” And just like that, you slipped away, leaving behind the many things I never got to express.
You always thought of me as a daddy’s girl, but everything shifted when I entered high school. You were blissfully unaware of how much I needed you during those years; you were my anchor. The line between mother and friend blurred, and I never took the time to tell you how vital you were to me. You were not just my mother; you were my confidante and my biggest supporter. While my friends like Jessie and Olivia played their roles, none could compare to you. It was you who helped me pick out dresses, who skipped school with me, and who shared in all my teenage adventures. The emptiness you left behind is irreplaceable.
Do you remember when I begged to have sleepovers at my friends’ houses? You thought I was ashamed of our home or of you because of your illness. I reassured you I wasn’t, but I regret not clarifying just how mistaken you were. I could never feel shame about you. Your illness was a part of your life, but it never defined you. You lived with grace, finding ways to love and laugh through the pain. I wish I had told you how incredibly proud I was of your strength.
I noticed your countless sacrifices, even if I didn’t acknowledge them at the time. You wore old clothes to ensure I had new ones, and you scraped together change just so I wouldn’t miss out on movies with friends. You took me to events when all you wanted was rest. You gave everything of yourself to me every single day. I’m sorry I never expressed my gratitude; I whisper my thanks to you when I visit your resting place.
In my eyes, you were always number one, Mom. The world revolved around you, but your humility kept you from seeing it. At 18, sharing my feelings didn’t come easily; now, however, I often speak to you in the silence of the night when grief washes over me. I know you can’t hear me, but I find comfort in pretending that you can.
You embodied everything pure and loving in my life. You were kindness, mercy, laughter, and my safe haven. You were the encouragement I needed when I felt defeated, and the warm treats that made everything better. You were my home, and yet I never found the words to tell you how much you meant to me.
Now that you are in a place beyond my reach, I’ll honor your memory by sharing your love with everyone I encounter. I’ll rise above my struggles and embody the gentle and loving spirit you instilled in me. I know it won’t be easy, but I’m determined to carry on your legacy in every way I can.
For anyone navigating their own journey of motherhood or considering options like home insemination, seeking out information and support can make all the difference. Check out resources like this blog post for guidance, or explore Make a Mom for expert advice on at-home insemination kits. Additionally, if you’re looking for comprehensive information, WomensHealth.gov offers excellent resources on infertility and pregnancy.
Summary
Reflecting on the deep bond with my mother, I wish I had shared the immense love and gratitude I held for her while she was alive. Despite the challenges she faced, her strength and selflessness were unforgettable. Now, I strive to honor her legacy by embodying the kindness and love she showed me every day.