What a night! It’s finally time for the grand finale of the Republican National Convention, and the spotlight is on none other than Donald Trump as he prepares to accept his nomination. This moment is being hailed as the most pivotal speech of his career, although they promise it will be a brisk 45 minutes—how bad can that be? I’ve been wrong about my predictions before, but this time, I feel surprisingly optimistic.
The theme for the evening is “Make America One Again,” suggesting that Trump is all about unity. Yes, he’s focusing on the things that bond us, like our shared identities of whiteness, Christianity, and maleness. What a fascinatingly uniform country we’re gearing up for! And let’s not even talk about the food—expect it to be far from gourmet.
With so much to cover, let’s breeze through the speakers:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio
“I’m here to rally support and, well, maybe round up some folks. I’m running low on targets.”
Meanwhile, Paul Ryan is nervously clutching his rosary and a bottle of something strong.
Reed Hargrove, Chair, Republican National Committee
“Thank you for this opportunity. Tonight, I’ve ditched my gum to speak to you like an adult. To some leaders, America is just another place, but we know it’s something special. Democrats think they’re so great, but we’re the party of open doors. [Crowd chants: ‘BUILD THAT WALL!’] Not right now, please! We’re the ones who care about education, individual liberty, and the American dream. Remember when we were in the middle seat last time? That was awkward.”
[Paul Ryan lights a cigarette.]
Penny Thorne, Co-founder of PayPal
“I’m Penny, and I’m oddly thrilled to be here. Before I share my groundbreaking news about being a proud member of the LGBTQ community, let me tell you about my roots here in Cleveland.”
[Ohio delegate: “Does that mean we’re part of the community?” Other Ohio delegate: “Stop talking, Jerry.”]
“I’m proud to be who I am—gay, Republican, and American.”
[The crowd erupts in applause. Jerry from Ohio whispers, “Does she know we’re against adoption?”]
Tom Blackwood, CEO, Capital Ventures
“Here are five reasons to vote for Donald Trump:
1. He shows up on time.
2. He’s a friend to the confused.
3. He breaks down barriers.
4. He has the instincts of a wild animal (what that means, I’m not sure, but it sounds impressive).
5. He once took my son and me on a helicopter ride to a fight and remembered my name!”
[Paul Ryan is seen frantically searching for something.]
Ivanka Trump
“I’m here to speak about my father, but I won’t bore you with personal anecdotes. When the primaries got tough, he did what any leader would—came up with nicknames and made wild accusations.
“My dad is all about making childcare affordable and fighting for equal pay. And I’ll be right beside him because otherwise, he might enact his ‘Fines for Fatties’ plan before we can even discuss these issues. Speaking of women, I have a funny saying: motherhood, not gender, is what causes the wage gap. Clever, right?”
“When my dad says he’ll build a tower, he does it. So, when he promises to make America great again, trust me, he’ll do it!”
[Paul Ryan appears to be fashioning a noose with his tie.]
Donald J. Trump
“Friends, delegates, and fellow Americans, I am honored to accept your nomination for President of the United States.”
[Outside, the sky flashes with thunder and lightning. A whiff of sulfur fills the air.]
“Who could have imagined we’d gather this many votes? (Inner Trump: I could. I always knew.) We will restore safety and prosperity. (IT: Well, kinda.) A nation of warmth (IT: Need a thesaurus). We can no longer afford to be politically correct.”
[Audience applause]
“Everyone is under threat! The crime rate has skyrocketed since Obama took office. Why? Because we’re letting illegal immigrants roam free!”
[Crowd chants: “BUILD THAT WALL!”]
“America has faced humiliations globally—remember our sailors kneeling at gunpoint? I won’t let that happen again. Hillary’s decisions brought chaos and destruction. She is weak. (IT: Because she’s a woman.) My first priority is safety at home. We need law and order (DUN DUN).
“I wake up every day committed to helping those who feel forgotten (not you, or you, or you). I’m proud to have Mike Pence as my running mate.”
[IT: Did I pronounce that right?]
“America is reeling from the recent attacks on police officers. An assault on law enforcement is an assault on all of us. I vow to restore law and order. (DUN DUN) Trust me, I’m your law and order candidate!”
“We will swiftly defeat ISIS. Recently, a terrorist targeted the LGBTQ community—unacceptable. As president, I will protect my LGBTQ citizens from foreign hate. Domestic hate? Well, we’ll deal with that later.
“I’m going to build a wall against illegal immigrants who threaten our children. Hillary wants to welcome everyone with open arms. They’ll take over your communities! (IT: And then murder you.)
“I’ll renegotiate trade deals because I can. I’ll lower taxes (IT: I pay nothing, and it’s fantastic). You’ll choose your doctor and your child’s school. Oh, and those TSA lines? I’ll fix those too!”
[Poor Paul Ryan looks like he’s about to collapse.]
“Thank you to my family, my staff, and my supporters. Special thanks to the evangelicals, though I’m not sure I deserve it. (IT: Hold it together, Inner Trump!)”
“Let me share a touching story about my mother…”
[And the crowd fades into a collective snooze.]
“God bless you and goodnight!”
[We survived all four nights! Next up, the Democratic National Convention. Grab your “I’m With Her” tote bags—it’s going to be a ride!]
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Summary:
This playful recap of the final night of the Republican National Convention highlights key speeches and moments from the event, emphasizing the unfolding drama and political rhetoric, all while maintaining a light-hearted tone.